Off to College

There are few times in your life when the future seems so bright and full of hope then when you begin your college adventure. It’s cute how they think the world is puppy dogs, and rainbows, when in reality, it’s more like rabid pitbulls, and acid rain, but it wasn’t long ago they believed in Santa, so I’ll let this one slide. My daughter is packing up and moving across the country next week to begin her journey, and I’m excited for the opportunities that await her. Understandably, she’s a little nervous about going into the big bad world on her own, but as usual, I’ll try to dole out some of my time tested wisdom to her. I just hope she listens to what I’m saying.  Here are some nuggets that I plan to pass on:

• College is a time to find yourself, just don’t find yourself passed out drunk in a coed bathroom stall, or else your allowance will be terminated, and furthermore, it’ll take you a week to get rid of that smell, trust me.
• Always carry a Sharpie marker, because you never know when you’ll stumble upon someone else “finding” themselves passed out, and you need to be creative to teach them a lesson. Just remember, drawing penises is so blase, think of some new things to draw, like vaginas.
• Don’t sleep with your professors, unless it guarantees you an A in the course. Remember, sometimes no amount of extra credit can repair the damage done by coming to class hungover for 3 months.
• If your major of Journalism with an emphasis on International Relations gets too difficult to handle, you can always switch to Physical Education, and be a gym teacher, you’ll still have the opportunity to touch people, just literally, instead of “literaryally”. Just don’t use made up words like “literaryally”.
• When you’re taking a ScanTron multiple choice test, take a piece of aluminum foil, wrap it around your pencil, and rub it all over the test sheet. This technique will break the scoring machine, and you’ll get 100% correct, or you’ll be accused of cheating, and you’ll have to move back home. On second thought, don’t try this one.
• Pick up milk, orange juice, and eggs.
• Ignore the last piece of advice, that was from my grocery list.
• Finally, have fun, try new things, learn who you are, and what you’re passionate about, and most of all, ignore all previous pieces of advice in this list.

So, this is a bittersweet moment for me, to admit my daughter is growing up, and is not a little baby anymore, but feeling that I’ve done my best to prepare here for this moment. And for that, I dedicate this post to her, and I wish her the best of luck in all that she chooses to do with her life, unless she chooses to be a lawyer, then I must disown her.