Politics are so boring. I think we need to spice things up, and pass into law a WWE style cage match instead of the endless droning that currently happens on the floor of Congress — a fight to the death, winner take all match on every issue, even the dumb ones.
Announcer: In this corner representing the educated middle class, the Great Democratic Hope, Obama, the Alabama Slamma. And in this corner, representing the Tea Bagging Tea Party: John ‘The Boner’ Boehner.
I know what you’re thinking, Obama’s not even from Alabama, but it’s the only state that rhymes with “Slamma,” and I refuse to call him the Wonder Boy from Illinois for obvious reasons.
Just think about how many people would start really paying attention to the issues. Congressional Pay-Per-View events could help eliminate the deficit, and hopefully the entire federal budget could be generated from these nightly events. The IRS would become ticket scalpers.
But this is only a dream, a wonderful dream.
What we get now are press conferences, boring, pass the hose from the tailpipe into the car press conferences. The press conference I really want to see though is John Boehner explaining how the hell ‘oe’ is pronounced as a long ‘a’. That’s bullshit, I have a friend named Joey, and a friend named Jay, and they never get confused when I call their names, because their names sound different, that’s why. Does he think a boner can’t get elected? I would say that Bill Clinton proves that we’re fully accepting of boners in public office. But you have to imagine that Boehner is fully self conscious of his name, it makes for an unstable, elephant standing on a powder keg.
The Republicans are working on a new federal budget in Congress. The first thing that they want to cut are old people. They say there are too many of them, and they use up all of our resources, like air, and oxycontin. If you’re a Republican, and I’m talking to you Rush Limbaugh, I can see how the oxycontin supply would have you quivering in your own regurgitation, but come on, we all deserve a chance to spout our misinformed opinions in our personal recording studios in our $10 million dollar homes.
I’m worried though that this whole thing is going to turn into a stalemate. We’re running out of hope. In 2008, Obama ran on campaign of change, and it was wildly successful. I’m not sure what he can do now, because as in incumbent, change is not the word to be using. I’m not sure this the best approach, but he launched his campaign earlier this year via email. He’s no longer running on the message of change, now he’s running on the “Republicans are Poopoo Doody Heads” platform. It’s a strong message, but let’s see how far it can take him.
And if the government shuts down for any significant period of time, like a minute, I’m going to start a new government with all the ex-members of Guns and Roses, and Stone Temple Pilots, and call it Velvet Revolver. All drugs are legal, but the music sucks. Good luck government.