Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.
So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.
Pro: Overall, 2011 was a bad year for dictators. The world will no longer be troubled by the following dickholes:
- Tunisian President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali
- Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak
- Colonel Muammar Gaddafi
- Kim Jong-il
- Osama bin Laden
Con: The world will now have to live with the liberal Tea Party — Occupy Wall Street — no thanks to TIME magazine.
Last year, the big thing was flashing vag while exiting cars. This year, it was hacking cell phones, whether you’re a member of NewsCorp or just some guy who can’t stop himself.
Pro: We finally got to see Scarlett Johansson’s butt before Marvel featured it in all of their Avengers movie posters.
And what a fancy bathroom she has.
Oh, and her boobs.
Con: Some photographer convinced Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe, which meant yet another shoot where they put a blonde wig on her and photoshopped out her freckles.
Pro: The NBA and NFL were each able to overcome lockouts, so we don’t have to worry about players and owners each making ungodly amounts of money.
Con: Tim Tebow somehow made thanking God on a field of play even more obnoxious.
Pro: The Muppets came back … not counting the times they came back for A Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppet Treasure Island and Muppets from Space. That’s not the real pro here, though. The real pro is that their comeback spurred righteous indignation from Fox Business News, proving the movie’s point about moneyed people trying to destroy the Muppets.
Con: The Transformers will return yet again.
Pro: But, The Hobbit will, too.
Con: The Hobbit contains potassium benzoate.
All in all, it’s a mixed bag with the Thes.