- Whenever I’m out and about mingling with the general public someone always picks me out of a crowd to ask an inanely obvious questions. I love to people watch. I get my best stories ideas from people interacting with their friends, family members, store clerks arguing with customers, etc. Yesterday I saw an older woman wearing a Lady Gaga tee shirt with “Born This Way” printed across the front. Why this woman chose this particular shirt to advertise her bulging midriff and sagging breast is beyond me, but I digress.
Last week I took a day trip to a local tourist attraction in Western North Carolina. While standing near the lower level staircase a guy walked up [to me] and asked, “Excuse me, is the basement downstairs?”
Obvious perhaps – but it seems to be a conundrum to this nuclear scientist. I explained that basements are generally downstairs and this basement followed suit. He stared at me with the blank look of a politician who just got caught making out with a transvestite in an airport bathroom.
His recovery statement, “Well, some are in the sub-basement!” I mustered a polite smile and quickly walked away. Dumb people scare me. I guess that’s why Glenn Beck is my worst nightmare.
Another incident of stating the obvious was a recent trip to the bank. My most irritating episodes always seem to happen in banks. That’s why I do all my banking online. Even then I have banking issues especially when I’m trying to transfer funds. It’s usually because the account I’m trying to transfer from is overdrawn but that’s beside the point. I hate banks, yet another digression.
My branch was just about to close when they let me in to make a quick deposit. The bank service manager closed the door behind me and flipped the sign on the door. Yes, I bank at a small rural branch of Wachovia. It has cowbells on the door handle to let them know you are entering the bank. Unlike the SWAT team that guard the doors in the city. Anyway, this guy bangs on the door scaring the shit out of all of us inside.
“Hey ma’am . . . is the bank closed?” I wanted to grab the intercom and say, “No sir it’s not, but it is the opposite of open ya’ freak.”
Trying not to upset this poor fellow the service manager politely pointed to the sign and the hours mouthing sorry. He hollered, “Okay just checking.” Just checking? What was he checking! The fact that he couldn’t read the word CLOSED . . . sorry Bubba, but you’re not smarter than a 5th Grader, just ask Jeff Foxworthy. Oh by the way, here’s your stupid sign.
Rant Wrap-Up: Stating the obvious is an annoying cultural anomaly that happens when we have nothing intelligent to say. Like Donald Trump has bad hair or Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are idiots. As true as these statements may be they are in fact painfully obvious. My grandpa’ always said if you can’t say something nice it’s okay to state the obvious, “Hi Ellie, new tits?” . . . Rant over.