Send Me To Jail

The author behind bars
Just preparing myself for how I would look behind bars.

As most people who know me know, my financial situation is, as it always has been, dismal. They also know that the struggle to keep my head above water raising four children alone has left me financially drained.

I don’t want to die owing ten times as much as I own – drowning in debt is no way to leave this world – I would have nothing to leave to my kids.

Not that I’m planning on leaving this world any time soon, but when I saw a sign on the road that said, “Hit a Worker – $10,000 Fine – 14 Years Jail,” I thought, “Hmm, obviously I have no money, so 14 years with no bills…14 years of having to clean only a tiny cell…14 years of having people make food for me…my own toilet. That doesn’t seem so bad.”

In theory, anyway. I would have to give away what I had to my kids before I decided to hit a worker, because I wouldn’t want the government to confiscate my table trays and air mattress.

I also had to consider how this might play out in court. The sign didn’t say I had to hit a worker with my car. I could probably just climb out of my vehicle and slap the guy. That way he (or she) wouldn’t get badly hurt and I’d still get a vacation – a 14 year vacation.

Of course I’d have to convince the lawmakers that I really did HIT the guy and the sign does say, “Hit a worker – go to jail” – they wouldn’t want to break their own laws, would they?

This whole going to jail for 14 years might actually work in my favor. My allergy problems would be solved. I don’t think jailers allow indoor smoking and I doubt if anybody bothers to wear cologne in jail. Prisoners aren’t allowed to keep cats and dogs as pets (well, except for the dog trainers, but I’d have to be put in a special part of the jail, possibly solitary confinement) to avoid the animals.

And if I did get sick, I’d get medical attention for free. I wouldn’t even have to come up with a copay. I could probably even get my teeth fixed.

Hmmmmm. Not a bad way to retire – stress-free – no money problems, peaceful surroundings (once I get out of the general population due to allergies and put in solitary).

Eww, but wait. What if the job they give me is cleaning out toilets in the men’s washroom? I just had to use a plunger in my grandkids’ bathroom. Not fun. Or ironing in a hot laundry room? I’d pass out. Then again, if I passed out, I’d get sick time.

The more I think about this whole hitting a worker idea, the more logical going to jail sounds. I could exercise, eat right – maybe not good, but right – meet a whole new class of people I’d never thought of meeting before, and I’d have to do it for only 14 years. When I got out of jail I’d have money!

Wait – what I’d make is probably close to $14, which in 14 years would be equivalent to about $.14 today.

But then with only $14 and no place to live, I’d be homeless, because I already gave everything away to my kids, and the amount of interest on all my previous debt would be enough to buy Trump Tower in today’s world.

What a quandary. What to do. What to do.

I’d have no choice but to go out and slap another worker.

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14 thoughts on “Send Me To Jail”

  1. Don’t do it in NJ because they’ll send you a bill for your room and board once you’re released (of course, as you said, you could then hit another worker – BAM! Parole violation AND new crime!!)

  2. Oh Ter – there must be another way. But I have to admit you seem to have really thought this through. I love the ‘slap a worker’ idea.

  3. Jail huh? Sounds good in theory but the food really sucks and I think Eric covered the personal “relations” aspect. Me, I’m moving to Borneo. I’m hoping to get in good with a native tribe and convince them I’m a God. Yeah, that’ll work. hehe

    1. Hey, Jack, your solution sounds so much better than my own. I’ll be the Goddess. Do you think the U.S. would hunt me down? Would I be safe in Borneo?

  4. You’re forgetting that somebody might make you their girlfriend. Or is it boyfriend. Not sure how the whole thing works in women’s prison.

    1. It’s been so long since I’ve had a boyfriend I might welcome the affection (or would I – I’d have to think about that).

    1. I’ve never really been into fashion. I could deal with an orange jumpsuit 😉

      1. Oh please! Don’t even SAY the words “orange jumpsuit!” Do you really want 14 years of looking like a ripe fruit? Promise me you’ll think about this. 😉

        1. Why would it have to be orange? Why not black, white, or purple? I’ll have to learn the art of persuasion. But I promise I’ll think about it, Kathy. Thanks for the heads up.

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