Sperm Selection

Posted Originally on WordPress: August 18, 2010

The process of conception resulting in pregnancy has always fascinated me. I imagine sperm rushing toward the egg in a frantic race to be the first one accepted. For reasons we may never understand, the egg doesn’t accept every suitor, and usually all but one are sent away, rejected and forever useless.

Makes me wonder if eggs have brains, because some eggs seem apathetic about who they allow entry and some seem to have been bribed somehow.

My eggs, I’m proud to say, were extremely intelligent and discerning. I’m sure they broke a lot of little sperm-hearts, because most of those tiny spermatozoa were sent away to die their little sperm lives with no hope of ever contributing to the human race.

As a result of my egg’s selection process, ALL of my kids and grandchildren are beautiful AND intelligent.

Yes, though they are retired now, my eggs can be proud – they chose only the best sperm.

So I wonder how some egg selection processes go so awry. Think about it: Of the thousands of sperm that seek entry into an egg, does it surprise anybody else that the product of those “selections” sometimes results in some of our world’s (choke, spit) “leaders?”

I imagine that the process of selection concerning recent Afghanistan and Iraqi sadists probably went something like this: Dick Tater’s Mom and Dick Tater’s Dad were engaged in the act of procreation.

While millions of kamikaze spermatozoa raced to the egg, the ones most likely to succeed were kidnapped and beaten to death. Others valiantly fought their way to the egg and prepared for penetration, hoping to fill in for the “chosen” one.

Under normal circumstances, the first one there would get in IF Egg, after careful consideration, accepted it. However, in Dick Tater’s situation, suicide bombers acted as guards to prevent anybody but Dick entry into the sacred egg.

The propaganda went like this: “Egg, I make your son famous and wealthy someday. Make womb for him at your Inn.”

Fighting her instincts, because the promise of fame and fortune was too tempting and enticing to ignore, Egg eventually accepted Dick.

It was a decision she and the rest of the world would later regret.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons

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3 thoughts on “Sperm Selection”

  1. HA HA! I guess your eggs were hard to satisfy. Did the little sperm look around and say,”Damn, this is a tough womb!” Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun

    1. Yes, my eggs knew how to cross their arms and examine every sperm that demanded entry – they were very selective (insert smiley face here).

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