Spray It, Don’t Say It

"You know what we do to people who TAG buildings?"

Manners are an ever-evolving contract that society signed to avoid embarrassing and thoughtless behavior, or what the French termed “faux pas” in between giving English-speakers the wrong directions to the Louvre.

Our earliest etiquette rule comes from, ironically enough, our earliest ancestors, who decided it would be more polite to fathers if the groom clubbed their daughters prior to dragging them off, which is much quieter than all that previous kicking and screaming. From there, we invented “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” to express polite requests, gratitude and, “Would you just shut up about your car already?”

Even today, we are making greater strides towards a more polite world, even when we can’t see it right away. For instance, when police officers began spraying people sitting outside in New York City and the University of California, Davis without repercussion, who knew that ordinary people would start doing the same to humbly ask for the last Xbox? It is clear that the moratorium we once held on not spraying shit in other people’s eyes has been lifted, and I for one am glad to see this day.

The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart compared our new laissez-faire approach to pepper spray to the new car horn and the finger, but that’s because Jon doesn’t understand that the middle finger was never polite, unless it’s sign language for “one donut, please.” Whereas pepper spray is a step back from shooting students and the unemployed, which makes it more polite than Kent State or the Bonus Army. (See? We’re moving in an orderly direction.)

So, now that we can all agree that spraying chemicals in people’s eyes is neither assault nor even force, a new day has dawned in American civility. The New World just got a little newer, especially when it comes to:

Department Store Make-up Counters

Did you know that most department store salespeople work for commission? That includes the cosmetics people you rudely ignore on your way to home goods when all they wanted you to do was smell Britney’s new fragrance. They have kids to truss up and feed, you monster.

But, not anymore! Now, just one or two spritzes of CK One to the eyes and you’re safely — and politely — restrained. Plus, your tears have never smelled better.

Prom Dates

If someone stole your boyfriend for the last dance, that was that — unless you stole him back in the parking lot, even though you promised yourself that you’d never put that in your mouth. All that money you spent on your dress, make-up, nails and hair was all for naught.

Wait, did somebody mention “hair?” (I did, last sentence.) That can of Aquanet in your handbag is the lady’s way of asking, “Mind if I cut in?” You’ve got your man back, and she can’t be mad because her eyelashes look fabulous.

And speaking of the parking lot: a spray of ejaculate to the eyes is a swell way for a fella to thank his best gal for some humdinger oral sex.

Animal Husbandry

Spraying your cat where he can’t reach, like his back, is rude. But, spraying him in the whatever-unholy-color of his eyes? That’s just plain and simple manners. And don’t skimp on the bleach.

Also: it’s no longer unethical animal research to spray oven cleaner in a bunny rabbit’s eyes, so long as you do it with a wink and a smile behind a faceplate and Dow Chemical jacket.

And that's why I sprayed them all. Just to be sure.

Good luck out there, and try not to be polite into the wind.

Movember Update:

Today marks the last day of Movember, so if you’ve waited until the last minute to donate when my mustache is at its bushiest, well, this is it! I want to once again thank everyone who’s donated this month, especially recent donors Jeff Marsten and Jaime Wheeler and everyone who has helped spread the word. Together, we’ve raised $305, all of which goes to the Movember Foundation, LiveStrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

Tomorrow, I return to my sexually-viable form by shaving this bad boy off. And, yet …

I mean, I don’t want to Rachel and Ross this, especially since mustaches are so manly, whereas Jason Schwimmer is not ….

But, now that it’s the last day and I’m near growth-end, I can’t quite bring myself to destroy the mustache. And why not? Why shouldn’t I keep it? In fact, now that it comes to it, I don’t feel like parting with it at all. It’s mine. I grew it. It came to me!

It’s mine! It’s my own, my … precious.

Will Rick shave off his Movember ‘stache, or will he allow it to become a full-on Morever facehugger?! The thrilling conclusion: tomorrow!

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