Talking NASCAR With Anna Kournikova | HumorOutcasts

Talking NASCAR With Anna Kournikova

April 24, 2011
By

There is an unwritten rule in the social contract that we Americans live by that states:

If you say hello to someone the first time you see that individual on a particular day, you do not have to say hello to him or her again that day.

I live by that rule (as I believe most people do) and I think it is a good rule. However, there are some people who apparently live by another rule that says something like:

Say hello to someone every time you see that individual even if you see him or her a hundred times throughout the day. It is fun because it will drive the poor bastard crazy.

There is an individual at my place of employment — let’s call him Steve because that’s his name — who says hello to me every time we pass in the hallway. I really want to grab Steve by the shirt, smack him in the face, and scream, “You said hello to me this morning, you dimwit! Haven’t you heard that a single acknowledgement of someone’s presence is sufficient for the entire day?” Or something like that.

But I can’t do that because there is another unwritten rule in the social contract that says that we shouldn’t smack and scream at people — especially those who are nice enough to say hello. It goes something like this:

Don’t smack and scream at people — especially those who are nice enough to say hello.

So I have to just take it and smile at Steve and say hello

back to him. This, of course, forces me to do things I don’t like to do. I have to smile (I don’t like to smile); I have to say hello (I don’t like to say hello); and I have to spend the rest of the day trying to avoid Steve (I don’t like to have to dodge people all day). And let me tell you, avoiding Steve is like avoiding Kelly Ripa. He’s everywhere!

Not that saying hello is the worst thing in the world. I suppose Steve could be one of those guys who stops and chats. I really hate the stop-and-chat thing. I mean, the last thing I want to do is try to think up crap to say to someone I really have no interest in chatting with.

I can talk about the weather or the price of gas only so long before I want to scream. The only things I’m really interested in are sports and sex (Anna Kournikova would be the ultimate stop-and-chat for me) and Steve has never shown an interest in any kind of sport other than NASCAR, which isn’t really a sport unless you consider a bunch of rednecks driving in circles a sport.

And I sure as hell don’t want to talk about sex with Steve, so I guess the hello thing isn’t so bad after all.

But getting back to NASCAR, I have a rule when it comes to deciding what is a sport and what is not a sport. That rule is this: Anything that I do every day is not a sport.

I walk every day—walking is not a sport. I sleep every day—sleeping is not a sport. I eat every day—eating is not a sport. I expel waste products from myself every day—expelling waste products is not a sport. And I drive every day—DRIVING IS NOT A SPORT!

Of course, if Ms. Kournikova should decide that a bunch of rednecks driving in circles is indeed a sport, I may have to change my tune.

After all, she is my ultimate stop-and-chat.

Frank Mucci

People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2015 and winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature, Frank likes to make up shit about himself and state it as fact. Here's some actual NOT made up shit about Frank: He is the author of "An Incurable Disease: Memories, Observations and Ravings from a Baby Boomer Cub Fan," available in print and for Kindle at Amazon.com.

More Posts - Facebook

Share this Post:

Tags: , ,

4 Responses to Talking NASCAR With Anna Kournikova

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 29, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    I was wondering how you were going to work Anna Kournikova and NASCAR into a story about Steve the obnoxious office guy, but you did it! Now THAT’S writing!

  2. April 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    I would talk to Anna Kournikova about anything, even if it weren’t sports or sex. BTW, I wrote the book on sexy women (or was it a short article)!

  3. April 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Hello, Frank! How’s the weather? How ’bout them gas prices, huh? Hello. Hi. Hi, Frank.

  4. April 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

    You have a lot of sports rules! But I am glad to hear that one word from the beautiful Kournikova could sway your opinion. Yeah, you think with your brain!



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute
By Perry Block and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
Running Log
By Roger Hollis. and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle






Archives