The 13th Apostle | HumorOutcasts

The 13th Apostle

April 18, 2011
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One of the more remarkable things discovered among the Gnostic gospels which were not included in what we now know as the bible today is the story of the 13th Apostle. It is rarely discussed on Sundays, but may be a crucial piece of information relating to the passion of the Christ. For those unfamiliar with the term, I am referring not to bowling and camel races, which were actual passions of the Christ. I think it was the funny shoes and all of the money-changing that he loved so much! But somewhere, someone in a dress and pointy hat decided that passion should also mean “getting the shit beat out of you”. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Anyway, the 13th Apostle was Jimmy. He was a bit beefier than Jesus. He looked like he could carry a cross a lot further than spindly old Jesus, who was probably only about a buck oh five soaking wet. Jesus and Judas both recognized this when they asked him to meet Jesus in the garden one night. They explained to Jimmy that he would stand there and let Judas point him out as Jesus.

“Act all betrayed and stuff”, they explained.
“I’ll give you a kiss for dramatic effect. That’ll totally sell it!”

They went on to explain that they probably would be intimidated by his size and leave him alone. It was possible that they may take him into brief custody, but the worst he would get would be a slap on the wrist.

Needless to say, things went horribly wrong for Jimmy, so the remaining Apostles and Jesus had to make lemonade with the lemons. In the end they were forced to scrub the permanent record of any mention of Jimmy the 13th Apostle.

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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2 Responses to The 13th Apostle

  1. April 18, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Don’t worry, they’re just picking me up to go clubbing.

  2. April 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    I get pissed off about the gnostic gospels. You know there was a whole lot of stuff the powers that be hid so that they could remain the powers that be. I would watch out though. A bus of nuns just stopped me and asked if I knew our address. 🙂



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