The Ballad of Juan Kerr | HumorOutcasts

The Ballad of Juan Kerr

December 17, 2011
By

When I woke up one morning
my girlfriend, she had gone.
Well, if I was really honest
I never did have one.
But if I did have one she’d
be bound to up and go:
For I have halitosis
and I live in Walthamstow

(For he has halitosis
and he lives in Walthamstow)

 

I’ve never had a job I
was good enough to keep.
No-one wants a man around
who’s like a compost heap.
Things were getting desperate,
no cash and no enjoyment.
I thought to myself ‘It’s time you went
on the market for employment.’

(He thought to himself ‘It’s time you went
on the market for employment.’

Oh, Mr and Mrs Kerr,
you always wanted a son,
but why , oh why did you spoil his life
by christening him Juan?

The girl at the Job Centre
said in a voice quite tired,
‘Here’s the perfect job for you-
No Experience Required.’
‘It’s a job in a bank,’ she said
‘Me, a banker? Is that my style?’
She looked me up and down
and muttered, ‘It sticks out a mile.’

(She looked him up and down
and muttered, ‘It sticks out a mile.’)

It was definitely a bank but
not a financial firm;
they paid people money
for giving up their sperm.
Well, business was quite slow:
empty bottles on the shelf.
I thought I’d do some overtime
and fill the rest myself

(He thought he’d do some overtime
and fill the rest himself)

Oh, Mr and Mrs Kerr,
you always wanted a son,
but why , oh why did you spoil his life
by christening him Juan?

I was earning from my sex life
which was just the job because it
yielded a high interest
for a very small deposit.
The manager was a tyrant,
every company has’em.
He walked in unexpectedly
and caught me mid-orgasm.

(He walked in unexpectedly
and caught me mid-orgasm.)

“Get out, get out,” he hollered
“you disgusting little man.
Come and get your P45
but please don’t shake my hand.”
I was not to be beaten;
I pulled up both my socks
and tried telephone banking
in a public call box

(He tried telephone banking
in a public call box)

Oh, Mr and Mrs Kerr,
you always wanted a son,
but why, oh why did you spoil his life
by christening him Juan?

I was pulling my trousers up
When there was a knocking at the door
I saw the arresting sight
Of the Long Arm of The Law
Innocence was impossible
The policeman was quite candid
He said “I think we can safely say
That you’ve been caught white-handed.”

(He said “I think we can safely say
That you’ve been caught white-handed.”)

It has been a long, long time
since that escapade,
I’ve spent all my money
and lost what friends I made.
Still without a girlfriend,
for normal life I hanker,
but such ideals just can’t come real
If you are christened Juan Kerr.

(But such ideals just can’t come real
if you are christened Juan Kerr)

One more time…
Oh, Mr and Mrs Kerr,
you always wanted a son,
but why , oh why did you spoil his life
by christening him Juan?

Simon Ellinas
Cartoons and Caricatures

Topical Humour and Satire

Simon Ellinas

Cartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.

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