The Beauty Within

Botticelli BirthofVenus
Botticelli BirthofVenus

We’ve all been taught that it’s not what’s on the outside but beauty starts within.  I always thought that was a load of shit.  I look at the fashion magazines at the long-legged, blonde, size 2 supermodels that get paid millions to strut their spindly bodies along the cat walk.  For some reason it reminded me that I had an appointment to get my yearly mammogram and pap smear. 

I quickly gulped down a glass of water for breakfast because I remember they would weigh me and thought, “Why can’t I be a size 2, weigh 101 pounds and have great hair?  Why do I have to wake up at 3am just to get the unglamorous look I need to face the world?”

While I sat nervously in the waiting room of my OBGYN’s office I thumbed through the glam-mag. The nurse stepped from behind her desk and shouted, “Deb, the doctor will see you know.”  All I heard was, “Hey lady, it’s time for your high cholesterol, high blood pressure, lard ass, to be seen by the doc.”  I gathered my stuff and followed her to the weigh-in and blood pressure area.   I reminded her that my jeans, socks and shirt weighed at least 15lbs. 

Next, to the examination room, where I was told to strip, put on a flimsy blue robe, with the opening in the front.  How sexy is that.  I waited for about 20-minutes.  Just enough time to remember that I’d forgotten to turn off the coffee pot.   Anyway, she tells you to hop onto the examining table and place your feet in the stirrups.  She proceeds to shine a 1000 watt light on my lady parts.  We try to make small talk while she finishes the exam. 

She peers over the sheet and says, “All done.  Everything looks good.  And I must say you have a beautiful cervix.”  I snickered and thought, “Compared to what?”

I get dressed and head to the diagnostic area for my bone scan.  I didn’t have to get undressed for this one so I felt a little better about the exam.  All I had to do was to lay down on a soft, cushy, chaise lounge and sleep for about 10-minutes. 

The nurse nudged me, “Okay I’m all done, we’ll send your results to your primary but I should tell you that you have a perfect spine.  All the vertebrae are evenly spaced and it’s so straight!  You have such a beautiful spine!”

Five years ago I had my first colonoscopy.  My doctor said, “You have the colon of a 15-year old!”  I thought, “What the $%#@. AND, how does he know this?”

Now I must admit I’ve been told I have beautiful eyes, even lovely feet, but never ever have I been told I have a beautiful cervix, spine and poop shoot.  But a compliment is a compliment.  I guess what they say is true, “Beauty DOES come from within!”

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7 thoughts on “The Beauty Within”

  1. Whatever you say dear, me thinks this is one time that I will keep my mouth shut and leave it at that. 🙂 🙂

    1. HAHAHAHAHA! Billy, I can just hear the pick up lines, “Hey there you sexy cervix. Do you have the backbone to date me?” 😉

    1. The sad thing LB this is based on a true story LOL, where’s Superman when you really need him! Now that’s an x-ray I would appreciate!

      1. Hey you never know when X-ray glasses are going to hit the market. Then all those supermodels will bow to Glam Deb!

        1. Thanks Mae! Hey maybe we could change the tide of glam and publish a “Cervix of the Month Calendar!” 🙂

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