The Luxury Condom Has Arrived | HumorOutcasts

The Luxury Condom Has Arrived

June 1, 2011

It always seems as if there is a battle raging between the big guys and the little guys.  The big guys have all the good stuff: luxury cars, luxury boats, luxury homes and now – get ready for it – luxury condoms. Yes, the big guys, or so they wish, have a high-end condom that is slated to blow the lid off the prophylactic market.

I know that you are saying — hopefully not aloud and at work, “What could be so different about these condoms?”  Well, let me tell you.  Before I go on, know that I might be talking about sex, and some people, especially some ultra-right religious groups, get offended when I even mention that word.  So, for all those people who think a discourse on sex and birth control punches an express ticket to hell, don’t read any further.  Okay, you have been warned.

This is the scoop on the super-duper condom.  A man named Jud Ireland launched Naked, which is the brand of condoms that sells for $56 for a 12-pack.  Break that down and that means that each condom could be sold at $4.666. I know I should have rounded up to $4.67 but isn’t it funny that part of the condom price is the number associated with Satan himself? Gee, maybe I shouldn’t have warned the evangelicals to look away. This might be the final clue to the rapture they were looking for.  Who knew that their answer to the end of the world would lie in luxury condoms!

Sorry, I got off the track again.  The difference between these condoms and the drug store ones is that the Naked condoms are made from super-soft latex and contain high-quality lubricant AND they come in a variety of sizes.  Yes, men, you can order the condom that best fits your “friend”.  So, is this like a bra fitting? Does someone have to measure each “friend” to get the exact size or does one pick a condom size based on the honor system?  I don’t know how it would work, but I don’t know many men who would admit to being anything below a large.  And then there is the true possibility that women would order the condoms so they have them in case an intimate moment presents itself.  Do women order a variety of sizes and then wait and see which size best fits her companion?  What is the etiquette here?  Does she ask?  Does she allow him to select the condom he prefers?  I guess she could put it in one of those boxes like what restaurants have for tea.  The woman brings the box and opens up the lid and behold – a man sees a smorgasbord of condoms.  This could be sort of foreplay. But again, I think the compartment which holds the large sizes will empty most frequently.

Okay, so for the sake of argument, let’s say that this condom is the best condom ever, but the question remains will people spend the extra money on this accessory? Wealthy people do like to wrap themselves — and I mean all parts of themselves—in luxury, so I think the Naked condom will find a market in that demographic.  I don’t think middle class people will splurge though.  Especially in today’s financial climate, if there is a choice between spending $50 on food or $50 on a box of condoms, food wins out.

Also, a 12-pack is a big commitment.  Is there an expiration date on them?  Not everyone is going to go through that 12-pack that quickly.  Sure, you might have the best intentions, but if you don’t get lucky that often, they just sit in their nice packaging and go to waste. There is nothing quite so sad as an unused prophylactic assortment.  Since they are not cheap,  very few people are going to waste them and make water balloons out of them. That would just be irresponsible.

So, luxury condom or no luxury condom?  I say if you got the money and the opportunity – go for it because let’s face it: in today’s world, a good condom can be your best friend.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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16 Responses to The Luxury Condom Has Arrived

  1. Fran Brockmyre
    June 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    And I thought shopping for bras was difficult!

    • June 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

      I know! I used to think men had it easy. I guess not.

  2. June 4, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Oh! I thought your title had been truncated from “The Luxury Condominium: A home for your friend, no matter how large”! I guess that about wraps it up! I like Deb’s idea about underwire condoms: “Put some spring in your pants”! HA!

    • June 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      I know. I loved Deb’s comment too. She is too funny. I like your title too! 🙂

  3. June 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Condoms are sized in the exact opposite way women’s clothes are sized.

  4. Jack Sass
    June 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Saran Wrap is cheaper, and it’s one size fits all. 😛

    • June 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      And it never tangles up. It’s easy on and off. Resourceful thinking, Jack!

  5. Deb Martin-Webster
    June 1, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    HA HA HA!! Maybe they’ll have some with underwire to give that extra lift!

    • June 1, 2011 at 9:34 pm

      HA HA HA! You are so funny Deb! Too funny

  6. June 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    It’s all in the packaging. Bottled water anyone?

    • June 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

      HA HA! Yes, I think it is the packaging. The guy must be a marketing genius.

  7. June 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    lol, only a woman would say that not everyone would go thru a 12 pack quickly! ha! 🙂

    • June 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

      I think men say they go through a lot of condoms, but they lie! 🙂

      • June 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

        Condoms are just the devil’s bag full of abortions.

        • June 2, 2011 at 2:16 pm

          You are a wicked man, Eric! 🙂

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