The Name Dropper

So, listen. I’ve been standing in this line for 15 minutes waiting for my double shot, non-fat, no-foam, peppermint, half-caf, 200 degree latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. And, what I don’t think you realize is that I know people, I know a lot of people, and this is unacceptable for someone of my status. You see, I think you’re going to comp me this latte, or I’m going to make some phone calls, and then we’ll see who’s waiting.

Oh. Who am I going to call? No. I’m not calling Ghostbusters, you moron.

First off, I’m going to call my dad, to make sure I can use his name as one of the premier directors in Hollywood to get a meeting with the Barstucks CEO. Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to the top. Hi dad, yeah, this is your son, no, your other son, yeah, you won’t believe what’s happening to me right now, I had to wait in line to get…


Ok, he hung up, but never mind that, I still know people. I’ve got a Rolodex full of powerful people’s phone numbers. Oh, you don’t know what a Rolodex is. Well, a Rolodex is a spindly thing that keeps phone numbers in order. No, not like an iPhone.  Why am I telling you this, you’re just a peon working for minimum wage, while I know people. I don’t care if I’m holding up the line, they can wait until we get this cleared up, because this is completely unacceptable to someone of my status.

Hello, Chuck, no, this isn’t the wrong number, I’m looking for Chuck Heston, Moses, Ben-Hur, you know, the Planet of the Apes guy…oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize he died in 2008. Well, sorry to bother you Mrs. Heston, and yeah, I’ll lose your number. Bye. I’d better send flowers. I’ve got plenty of other contacts.

Leave the store? Give me my damn coffee. Ohhhh, you reserve the right to refuse service? I don’t think I’m being clear enough for you, you work for me, I give the orders here, and what I want is for you to make my drink now, or else face the consequences.

Please take your hands off me now. This is completely uncivilized. Just wait until the mayor hears about this. Yeeessss, I know the mayor too, and I’ll have this place shutdown for indecent behavior to a member of the inner circle elite.Just hold on while I call the mayor.

You want me outside the store? Fine, I can hear better out there anyway.

Hello, Mrs. Mayor, can I speak to Ed. What do you mean there’s no Ed there? Stop joking dammit; I want to speak to the Mayor. No, this is not a prank phone call. Who am I looking for? Mayor Ed Koch, of course. Why are you laughing? This is ridiculous. Oh, I can speak to Michael Bloomberg? Now, why would I want to speak to a newspaper guy?

I’ve had enough of this. I know people, very important people, and these jokes are going to stop.

Oh, hello officer. I’m glad you’re here, just in the nick of time. I’d like to file a formal complaint against this establishment.

And, why do I have the right to remain silent? I have not prank called anyone, and I certainly haven’t harassed anyone. I think you’ve got the story backwards. These people don’t respect the powerful people I know, and I want them detained immediately.

Ouch. Why? What are you doing to me? I’ve never been treated like this in all my life. You almost broke my arms putting those cuffs on.

I demand to see speak to my attorney immediately. Can you please call G. Gordon Liddy for me? Just open my Rolodex to find his number. Yeah, you see it? Why are you not calling, call him dammit, now! I don’t understand this, all I wanted was a coffee.

No, I do not know of this Bellevue Hospital that you speak of. And furthermore, I will never go back, just try to make me.

All I have to do is make one phone call.


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6 thoughts on “The Name Dropper”

  1. “I’m looking for Chuck Heston, Moses, Ben-Hur, you know, the Planet of the Apes guy…oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize he died in 2008.” Too funny Kevin, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  2. Everybody needs some conections to keep them from being drug doen to the morass of mediocrity and middle-class status! I personally know billionaires (at least they were the last I checked)! Ad it has made my life so much better to be able to use their influence…oh, wait! They are engineers like me and don’t have much influence outside a small technological arena. But wait…I know Obama’s…middle name!

  3. Is it possible I was behind you in the Starbucks by me. There was a guy who thought he was king of the coffee crowd and he deserved faster and better service than anyone else. Maybe he just had your rolodex.

  4. It just isn’t worth knowing some people, is it? Perhaps you should talk about it with Rodney Dangerfield, I’ll call him up for ya.

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