The Newest Cause of Death: Living | HumorOutcasts

The Newest Cause of Death: Living

May 17, 2011

File:Gravestone.jpgIt’s not just smoking, ingesting High-Fructose Corn Syrup, drinking alcohol, and working with asbestos that can kill you, say scientists.

You can also die by breathing in an out for as little as 30 seconds to over a hundred plus years. Scientists are now postulating that the Earth’s atmosphere contains an element known as “life on Earth” which is believed to be fatal. While there have been no incidences of immortality reported, there have been countless deaths reported, and not just in humans.

Perhaps the most alarming factor in this new pandemic is its ability to spread across species. Plants, animals and even life we don’t care about as Americans (such as anything outside of America) are all prone to this terrible disease known as “Death.” No matter how hard researchers look for a cure, no reliable antidote has been found to this date.

The good news, at least for those possessing a mortal soul is that life here on Earth apparently doesn’t matter. According to another recent study released by the World Association of Science and All Things Scientific (or “WASATS”), since we’re all going to be judged by the one and true God of the one and true religion that’s actually correct above all others, making those who believe in the wrong religion evil and full of sin, nothing we do in our lives is relevant in the least.

This means that we should do our best to use every resource we can while simultaneously killing as many of those who do not believe in our own, scientifically proven religion as possible. This also means that fathering children out of wedlock while claiming to be so in favor of the sanctity of marriage that the very thought of homosexuals being able to marry each other should not be legal is totally fine.

Hypocrisy, you see, does not matter according to WASATS. All that matters is that we’re all going to die and that our own one, true God will judge us for what we did, but as long as we are cool with him, nothing else we did will matter.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em*!

*assuming of course this does not refer to a harmless herb that grows in the ground

James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, musician, bumblebee. You can find James' collective works spread like seed into the Internet. Specifically you can find him on Yahoo! TV, Yahoo! Sports, Associated Content, Into the Garbage Chute, Kneel Before POD and The JamboPlex.

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3 Responses to The Newest Cause of Death: Living

  1. May 17, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    I wonder if I hold my breath as long as I can, as many times as I can, if I can add a few years to my life?

  2. May 17, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Do you know what is scary? I heard no one survives this Life on Earth? I heard there was absolutely no cure. Isn’t there some kind of marathon or ribbon we can wear to promote the cause of immortality?

  3. Jack Sass
    May 17, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    I started to reach for my lighter before I read the very last part… Dang it! Oh well, I’m doing it anyway, it’s not like I’m getting out of here alive anyway. 🙂

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