The Procrastinator’s Club: You Don’t Have to Join Right Now!

 I have decided to start a procrastination club. In reality, I decided to start it last year, but I put it off until today. The rules of membership are simple. You sign up, and wait to receive your welcome information. I promise a 24-hour email delivery on these items, so look for them in about 72 hours or so.  There are no dues. It would take me a long time to decide on what the appropriate dues would be, so what is the point? 

Once you do get the membership information in your email, begin procrastinating.  Put off as much important stuff as possible. The more you put off, the higher you climb in our organization.  Those who become procrastination champs ascend to the “star” level. You will know these people because they are experts in TV remote manipulation, couch potato aerobics and of course, snooze button control.

I have very few rules in this club, but I do enforce the mantra “Put off for today, what you can do tomorrow or the next day or never at all.” If you are comfortable with this way of life, you are welcome.  Okay, if you have any questions, please feel free to email me at — oh, wait, I have no email yet. Well, I will get the club email up and running as soon as possible or, perhaps — never – we will wait and see. 

If you like procrastination, it would behoove you to think about joining and once you have thought about it for a week or so, take another few days and then find some time to sign up.  There is no rush to get your membership activated.  Once I receive your information, I will invite you to take a look at our website and all the benefits of membership.  Well, to be honest, there are no benefits yet. I meant to make a decision on what benefits to offer, but I just lost track of time. I was so busy doing absolutely nothing.  And I must confess that I didn’t get around to the website either.  But if I had, I would have great things to show you.  So, I guess the following would be the membership benefits that you are entitled to if and when I formally enact them:

1. I will fight to make sure that you have no pressure or deadlines in your life. There will be a toll free hotline at some point where you will be able to contact me for support. If someone is pressuring you into action, I will send a procrastination representative to fight your battle. It might take a day or two to get an officer from the Procrastinator Club there to defend you — or maybe a year. It’s hard to say. 

2. Any member who falls into the trap of high-pressure, performance-oriented living will be forced to go through an intervention. (FYI, the intervention requires the presence of at least three club members. If three members cannot make the trip on the same day, which is a distinct probability, the intervention will have to be postponed, but we will get around to it.)

3. Club membership requires that terms such as “On the Double”, “ASAP” and “Hurry” be banned from both your speech and written word. Anyone spouting these evil phrases will be prohibited from club membership for all eternity.  I would put a time limit on that punishment, but that might involve me filling out re-instatement paperwork, and that is such a bother.

4. Matchmaking services:  know this sounds elitist, but procrastinators in our club can only marry fellow procrastinators.  Outsiders will not be accepted. After much deliberation — days and months of deliberation — I feel anyone who does not embrace the procrastination ideal will harm the sanctity of the club’s mission to never do anything immediately. This would be a catastrophic blow to our “delay as much as possible” way of life.

If the rules of membership and the club benefits appeal to you, wait a minimum of 72 hours to contact me, and I will get your application process expedited.  HA HA – no I won’t. Sorry. What can I say?  I couldn’t resist sharing our official Procrastination Club joke.