The Procrastinator’s Club: You Don’t Have to Join Right Now! | HumorOutcasts

The Procrastinator’s Club: You Don’t Have to Join Right Now!

November 3, 2011
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 I have decided to start a procrastination club. In reality, I decided to start it last year, but I put it off until today. The rules of membership are simple. You sign up, and wait to receive your welcome information. I promise a 24-hour email delivery on these items, so look for them in about 72 hours or so.  There are no dues. It would take me a long time to decide on what the appropriate dues would be, so what is the point? 

Once you do get the membership information in your email, begin procrastinating.  Put off as much important stuff as possible. The more you put off, the higher you climb in our organization.  Those who become procrastination champs ascend to the “star” level. You will know these people because they are experts in TV remote manipulation, couch potato aerobics and of course, snooze button control.

I have very few rules in this club, but I do enforce the mantra “Put off for today, what you can do tomorrow or the next day or never at all.” If you are comfortable with this way of life, you are welcome.  Okay, if you have any questions, please feel free to email me at — oh, wait, I have no email yet. Well, I will get the club email up and running as soon as possible or, perhaps — never – we will wait and see. 

If you like procrastination, it would behoove you to think about joining and once you have thought about it for a week or so, take another few days and then find some time to sign up.  There is no rush to get your membership activated.  Once I receive your information, I will invite you to take a look at our website and all the benefits of membership.  Well, to be honest, there are no benefits yet. I meant to make a decision on what benefits to offer, but I just lost track of time. I was so busy doing absolutely nothing.  And I must confess that I didn’t get around to the website either.  But if I had, I would have great things to show you.  So, I guess the following would be the membership benefits that you are entitled to if and when I formally enact them:

1. I will fight to make sure that you have no pressure or deadlines in your life. There will be a toll free hotline at some point where you will be able to contact me for support. If someone is pressuring you into action, I will send a procrastination representative to fight your battle. It might take a day or two to get an officer from the Procrastinator Club there to defend you — or maybe a year. It’s hard to say. 

2. Any member who falls into the trap of high-pressure, performance-oriented living will be forced to go through an intervention. (FYI, the intervention requires the presence of at least three club members. If three members cannot make the trip on the same day, which is a distinct probability, the intervention will have to be postponed, but we will get around to it.)

3. Club membership requires that terms such as “On the Double”, “ASAP” and “Hurry” be banned from both your speech and written word. Anyone spouting these evil phrases will be prohibited from club membership for all eternity.  I would put a time limit on that punishment, but that might involve me filling out re-instatement paperwork, and that is such a bother.

4. Matchmaking services:  know this sounds elitist, but procrastinators in our club can only marry fellow procrastinators.  Outsiders will not be accepted. After much deliberation — days and months of deliberation — I feel anyone who does not embrace the procrastination ideal will harm the sanctity of the club’s mission to never do anything immediately. This would be a catastrophic blow to our “delay as much as possible” way of life.

If the rules of membership and the club benefits appeal to you, wait a minimum of 72 hours to contact me, and I will get your application process expedited.  HA HA – no I won’t. Sorry. What can I say?  I couldn’t resist sharing our official Procrastination Club joke.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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14 Responses to The Procrastinator’s Club: You Don’t Have to Join Right Now!

  1. November 5, 2011 at 1:45 am

    I was going to read this article but I decided to do it later. Kisses!!!!!

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    November 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Donna, I’m not a procrastinator! I seriously reflect on things before postponing them. LOL!

  3. lbwoodgate
    November 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Sign me up … tomorrow. No wait, let me check with my astrologist first.

    • November 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

      HA HA Larry, Okay, I will send you out a registration form soon. I have to get my hair cut first and do some grocery shopping first but maybe I’ll get to all that tomorrow. In the words of Scarlett O’Hara, “Fiddle Dee Dee, I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

  4. Theresa Wiza
    November 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Please remind me about this at a later date, because I also belong to the Forgetfulness Club.

    • November 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm

      I will hold a special membership for you Theresa!

  5. Kathy Minicozzi
    November 3, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Finally! We are being recognized and honored instead of yelled at! *singing* “WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND … .”

    • November 3, 2011 at 1:34 pm

      Kathy, I will listen to you sing anything. With your talent, even the potty song sounds wonderful!

  6. November 3, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I nominate my son and every other person under the age of 14 to run this organization, they would be naturals.

    If you ever get a chance, send out the membership form, oh never mind, we wouldn’t fill it out anyway.

    🙂

    • November 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

      No, you probably wouldn’t fill it out, but you can ask your son if he wants an officer’s position in the club. 🙂

  7. Ted Thomas
    November 3, 2011 at 9:13 am

    I thought of a really fun comment, I’ll post it later if I get around to it. 🙂

    • November 3, 2011 at 9:19 am

      Don’t worry, the later the better!

      • Ted Thomas
        November 3, 2011 at 11:09 am

        Okay, I’ll keep holding back but I really think the decision not to have dues needs to be thought about more. If you were to have say a $50 dollar membership fee you could advertise the club and say: “That’s right, all of this for just $50, but if you sign up in the next 10 minutes it is $100 because clearly you don’t belong in the club.”

        This would be a tough club to police membership of because anyone that is really qualified would never get around to joining. 🙂



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