A few months ago, I received an email from an editor asking me to interview the real Mrs. Claus. I guess she thought I would give this assignment the attention it needed as I played Mrs. Claus for charity organizations for several years. Yes, it’s true. As Mrs. Claus, I traveled around the suburban Philly region bringing cookies ( which as requested by the Health Department, I did not bake), a warm smile and a cheery disposition to children and the elderly. Excited to meet the woman I emulated for years, I eagerly took the assignment.
For the record, I do have the interview on tape, but at the request of Mrs. Claus, it is hidden away as she is sort of private and didn’t want to risk that somewhere down the line, it would have to be verified for potential legal action. But I am releasing the text and well, she can deal:
Me: I t’s an honor to finally meet you, Mrs. Claus. Did you know I played you for Christmas events for several years?
Mrs. Claus: Yes, I saw your work. You sucked. You wore more makeup than an old whore. I never wore that kind of makeup. Mine is a natural charm. You did do a good, cheery, fat face, But seeing you in person, I now realize there was no makeup needed for that. You really have that fat face. It takes up three quarters of your body.
Me: Why, thanks for that kind rant. Anyway, let’s go to the questions. What is it like to be the woman behind the most beloved man of all time?
Mrs. Claus: It’s a rip. He goes to work one day a year. One freaking day a year! He is always underfoot; I never get a break. I’m either cooking for him or those elves. Let me tell you for small men, they eat a lot of food. And they breed like rabbits which is odd because there are no female elves up here.
Me: I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that this was not a fun lifestyle.
Mrs.Claus: Fun lifestyle? I live in the North Pole. It never gets above 50-below-zero. It’s not exactly a resort town. My family has never visited me in all the years I have been here. I had to leave New Jersey – yes, New Jersey and head up here to marry the fat man, and then no one comes. I have a freaking castle and there is free airfare with the sleds and reindeer, and still, not one person visits. So, I’m here by myself with the bearded wonder and a thousand little elves, who for years looked at me with a strange glint in their eye until Santa gave them the okay to make some lifelike, anatomically-correct, lady dolls.
Me: Oh, how disturbing. Let’s move on shall we? So, you are the only people I know that have two real names: you are both Mrs. Claus and Mrs. Kringle. That is sort of cool, right?
Mrs. Claus: Well, now it’s okay , but we started with the alias because of the money laundering operation.
Me: Money laundering?
Mrs. Claus: Come on, it was so easy to do. Once a year, he flies all over the world. How convenient was it for him to fence some goods, and hide the money in other business opportunities. Who was going to suspect Santa? Hey, don’t give me that judgmental look. Do you know what a mortgage on a castle is? We refinanced three times as it is to put in electricity, new windows and a Jacuzzi.
Me: I noticed you guys never had kids. Was this your own decision or did you leave it up to fate?
Mrs. Claus: Again, no family to help, no women up here to bond with, and the only thing resembling an Ob/Gyn was an elf with a rechargeable screwdriver – so, the kid thing faded fast plus what would a kid do here? Besides the reindeer satisfied my maternal instinct — especially Rudolph. He has issues that require a lot of my time, so I don’t think I missed out.
Me: O–kay, hobbies?
Mrs. Claus: I like hunting. When the reindeer piss me off, I do a special target hunt if you get my drift. That gets the rest of them in line really fast. I have also taken up tattooing . We got the Internet five years ago, so I took a correspondence course. All the elves have tattoos now. I think it gives our village a more cosmopolitan feel.
Me: Hopes and Dreams for the future?
Mrs. Claus: A condo in Palm Beach, Florida. I think it’s time. Santa can stay up here and HO HO HO all he wants, but Mama needs some sun, surf and a lifeguard with great abs. Yeah, that would make Mrs. Claus smile with delight.
Me: Aren’t you a bit old for that?
Mrs. Claus: That? You mean sex; fooling around? Oh, Honey, we are the magic couple. We can turn ourselves into anyone we want. For an old, fat man, Santa has a lot of young ideas.
Well, that’s all for the Clauses. Next interview: Cupid and his penchant for stabbing people.
PS: the inserted picture is NOT this writer. All photos have been destroyed.