The Seinfeld Personality Test

I think you can tell a lot about a person by which Seinfeld episode they love the most, and I usually use it to judge them. This is not an exact science, however it should be, and I may petition the government for a research grant to get started on the definitive guide. I think we can end a lot of social conflict if we were to mandate a tattoo of the episode name somewhere visible to all; allowing us all to make superficial judgements on the spot. Think about how much brighter the world would be if that was the case. Dare to dream people!

 

Here are a some examples of some of the people’s favorites, with explanations, and analysis, of course.

The Contest – Perhaps one of the greatest Seinfeld episodes ever made, it involves the four main characters betting each other as to who could last the longest without masturbating. Kramer loses the bet in the first 30 seconds, which always gets a chuckle. If this is your favorite episode, it’s obvious that you’re a chronic masturbator, but you may also have a gambling problem.

The Soup Nazi – Jerry, George, and Elaine try out a new soup restaurant that Kramer keeps talking about. When they get there, they find out that the guy who runs the place has a ton of rules, and if you don’t obey, then “No soup for you”, as George finds out after a slight altercation. One of the most memorable episodes, and a character that people often to refer to as one of their favorites. If this is your favorite episode, then you have control issues, and you probably make everyone around you miserable, and you love soup.

The Invitations – George, and Susan are getting married, but George finds out during the planning of the wedding that Susan can be a real bitch, however he thinks it’s too late to get out of the whole thing, so he perseveres in his passive-aggressive manner. The couple receives a box of invitations for the wedding. It turned out that Susan was allergic to the adhesive on the envelopes, and ends up dying at the end of the episode; solving all of George’s pre-marital woes. If this is your favorite episode, then you have an issue with relationships, and are a passive-aggressive putz, who wishes their significant other was dead, but obviously won’t just break up or get a divorce.

The Merv Griffin Show – Kramer finds the set of the old Merv Griffin Show behind a dumpster, and decides to install it in his apartment. Once the set is installed, he starts his own local talk show with no cameras, and no audience, but a myriad of great guests including animal expert, Jim Fowler. If this is your favorite episode then you like to be involved in other people’s business, you’re always looking to be the center of attention, regardless of how crazy you appear, and you probably eat out of a dumpster occasionally.

The Yada Yada – Perhaps one of the most well-known episodes of Seinfeld, and bringing the phrase “yada yada yada” into the mainstream. If you listen closely, the phrase can still be heard in conversations today between groups of asinine people. The episode focuses on George’s new girlfriend who shortens all of her stories by using the phrase “yada yada yada” to skip through the middle of the story. For example, “I woke up this morning, yada yada yada, I went to bed.” If this is your favorite episode, you are not only annoying as hell, but nobody cares what you’re saying, and you don’t focus on details. If you’re lucky, you’ll probably get hit by a bus while you’re reading USA Today.

The Couch – Kramer and Poppie plan on going into the make-your-own pizza business together, but Poppie can’t accept that Kramer would put cucumbers on his pizza, which I would have to agree with, since cucumbers are satanic, and disgusting. Anyway, besides the pizza topping issue, they can’t agree on when a pizza become a pizza, when you start making it, or when it comes out of the oven; an obvious allusion to pro-life vs. pro-choice. With all these high-minded symbolic conversations going on, nobody notices that Poppie peed on Jerry’s couch; requiring Jerry to get rid of the couch, instead of having it cleaned. If this is your favorite episode then you look for symbols, and meaning in everything, including a stupid conversations about pizza, and you probably have an incontinence problem, and you should go to a urologist immediately.

The Finale – I’m not going to go into detail about The Finale, because it’s just too painful, but if this is your favorite episode than you may be, excuse my political incorrectness, mentally retarded.

If you can’t guess which episode is my favorite, don’t worry, it’s all of them. And, I’d like to say that after careful scientific study in my own personal laboratory, all of the personality traits indicated in the analysis apply to me, so I know it must be accurate, and is ready for some psychological journal, if they would just answer my letters. I’ve written them 500 times, but still no response. Oh, well, that’s what self publishing is for I guess.

By the way, if you don’t have a favorite episode, or episodes, or if you’ve never watched Seinfeld, then obviously that means you’re dead to me. Sorry, it’s science.

If you have another favorite episode, feel free to leave a comment, and I’ll attempt to give you my complete analysis, which could save your life.

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5 thoughts on “The Seinfeld Personality Test”

  1. You forgot about the episode where Jerry enlists Elaine’s aid in finding out if his new potential girlfriend’s breasts are real or not.

    You also forgot about the toothbrush in the toilet episode.

    Neither one of those is my favorite, so don’t even THINK of trying to psychoanalyze me.

  2. I laugh every time I think of Kramer losing the bet in the first 30 seconds and the face of contentment as he sleeps while the others still lay there restless at night.

  3. Great Kevin, these are truly Seinfeld classics. I’m not telling you my favorite (bubble boy) for fear of what you might read into it. 🙂

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