The Sins of the Girl Scouts | HumorOutcasts

The Sins of the Girl Scouts

May 25, 2011

I recently learned about two teenage sisters who had broken away from a Satanic cult and have since been working feverishly for its overthrow. This group is called the Girl Scouts. Yes, they of the famous, delicious cookies. Mmm, Thin Mints… (drool). Wait, what? Oh, yes… They say that the Girl Scouts are secretly working to enact the devil’s “radical feminist agenda” and “pro-abortion mindset”. There is nothing that Satan loves more than girls who believe that they control their own lives!

The sisters’ blog targets the Girl Scouts’ abhorrent practices which include empowering girls with information about reproductive health and birth control, promoting self-confidence in its members, and funding scholarships for education. All of which (everyone knows) is just a slippery slope to allowing girls to be equal members in society!

From their blog:

“Think about that next time you purchase cookies from these insidious creatures hell-bent on…well, bending you to hell. When you buy peanut butter and chocolate cookies, you Tagalong with the Devil! Your craving for coconut and chocolate could make you burn Samoa while the Dark Lord Thanks U Berry Munch. Reach for a peanut butter sandwich cookie and in no time you’ll be Do-si-do-ing down to hell! Women love the Dulce de Leche, which is French for “spawning Satan’s seed”. Down a shortbread cookie and…well, it doesn’t matter because why would you eat one of those lame cookies when there are so many made of chocolate and peanut butter??”

The girls say they first suspected something and eventually came to their senses right after being asked to earn their abortion badge. They continue by referring to the fine print on the side of the cookie boxes which (they claim) states “A little piece of Satan in every box!” and even worse, it says they contain Monosodium glutamate!!

But seriously. Listen, you crazy bitches. Nobody likes people messing with little girls or even teenage girls. And they definitely don’t like people messing with the girls who provide us a mainline of chocolate and peanut buttery goodness. So, knock it off, leave the kids alone. Sane people will not stand for the kind of harassment that undermines the growth of our young girls. And more importantly we cannot eat those crappy knock-off cookies they make at Walmart.

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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6 Responses to The Sins of the Girl Scouts

  1. Mary Oberg
    May 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    WE don’t want to lose our source of Thin Mints!

  2. Jack Sass
    May 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    I’m okay with it if Satan is involved, as long as there’s peanut butter cookies. Just say’n.

  3. Stephanie Queen
    May 26, 2011 at 7:11 am

    I think those two sisters used to live next door to me, oh wait – it was just another family of nuts who believed their daughters should be second class citizens. And then their son went off to fight the Taliban because we all know how they hate women! Interesting isn’t it?

  4. May 25, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    haha…it is a bit of racket, after all, who wants these chicks to succeed anyway….crazy! 😉

  5. May 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I don’t like anyone who messes with my thin mints or peanut butter cookies. Off with their heads! They are already completely brainwashed by the over-the-top right religious folk.

  6. May 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Please don’t take away my peanut butter patties.

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