The Third Little Pig

After both of his brothers died in a terrible wolf eating accident, and following the fortunate burning of the big bad wolf, the third little pig had an unplanned wolf feast.

See, the wolf was the enemy of many in the forest, being that he regularly ate little animals with no remorse. When the news got out in The Forest Gazette that the wolf had been burned alive, many animals from throughout the forest gathered in the front yard of the third little pig, chanting, and dancing. Seeing that he had many admirers, the third little pig decided to make a celebration out of it, so he invited everyone in.

The house was a little crowded, since it was made of brick, and really only to the size necessary for a single little pig, but it allowed animals to mingle, and rub elbows with others in the forest community. The third little pig was a little sad that his brothers were not around to enjoy the spoils of victory, but obviously not their victory, since they were dead at the hands of the wolf. So, the third little pig brushed it off, and pulled the wolf out of the fireplace.

He had help from some of his new neighbors to throw the wolf onto the island in the kitchen. The island was small, the wolf hung over the edges, but it was a start. The third little pig pulled out a knife, and began skinning the charred body of the wolf. He then went about surgically separating all the good parts, and the bad parts of the wolf. He saved some of the fatty rear for some good old fashioned wolf bacon, since everyone in the forest loved wolf bacon. Anyway, after creating many different cuts of pre-cooked wolf, the third little pig started handing them out to his neighbors. They hailed him as not only a world class hero, but a top chef as well. He smiled to himself, since the fireplace did most of the cooking, all he had to do was wait a few minutes until the meat was tender, and then pull it out.

After all the work in the kitchen was done, the third little pig sat down to enjoy his wolf ribs. He was rather impressed with himself, and ate every last morsel off the bones of his former enemy. It was the spoils of war, and it tasted phenomenal.

After spending some time mingling with his neighbors, and clearing out the place, the third little pig went about cleaning up the mess, removing the carcass for the scavengers. It’s a mistake to leave a newly created carcass indoors, because scavengers will do what they need to in order to get the last bite, even come up from underneath, as the third little pig had learned previously about his brothers.

When the third little pig finished cleaning, he sat down in front of the TV to watch a little Forest Idol, which was a great way to take his mind off the mind blowing day he had just had. While he was sitting there, he started to feel a mild rumbling in his tummy, which was normal after a good meal, but after an hour, the rumbling wasn’t stopping, and the third little pig was farting incessantly, almost like the wolf was trying to blow his internal house down, from the inside out. So, the third little pig went to his cupboard to get some Tums, which usually settled his stomach. He took 3 of the peppermint flavored ones, because he didn’t really like the fruity ones, because they left a weird after taste in his third little piggy mouth. He got the Tums down his throat, but the rumbling didn’t go away. It continued to get stronger and stronger, eventually leading the third little pig to spend the night on the toilet in fear of soiling his fresh white sheets.

The third little pig woke up the following morning, and was green, literally green like a leprechaun, or rotten bacon. He was so horrified that he went straight for the hospital. Something was definitely wrong.

On the way to the hospital, he met some of his new neighbors from the night before, who all looked to be in good health, and they were very concerned with the third little pig’s outward appearance, so they helped rush him to the emergency room.

When the third little pig got to the emergency room, he had unbearable stomach pains as he sat in the waiting room.

The hospital system, being as slow as it is, let the third little pig writhe there in pain for 2 hours, before he exploded, and died, leaving bits of ham and bacon everywhere.

At that point, the doctors finally came rushing out, and pushed him to the front of the triage line to get treatment, even though he had passed already. Once the doctors ran some “necessary” tests, the determined that the third little pig had died, and decided to do an autopsy.

As it turns out, the third little pig had a rare form of trichinosis, most likely from eating the wolf the previous night. Coincidentally, when the wolf was heading down the chimney towards the fireplace to meet his demise, he decided it would be a good time to take his suicide pill, which was a blend of many diseases, including trichinosis, that would eventually kill a little pig.

Nobody lived happily ever after.



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