Good afternoon, presumably American citizen! As you’re probably aware, your right to citizenship is guaranteed by the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Constitution, which — like diversity — is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era). And, if you’re not a citizen, then you can apply and then take a test to prove you’re the stuff American dreams are made of. But, is that too simple?
In many trades, you are required to periodically re-certify to maintain your current standing or move up to another level of union or guild membership. Those who can’t make the grade in, say, barrel-making could find themselves out of a job if they can’t stay up to date in the latest innovations in the field of coopering.
We could have had something similar for U.S. citizenship. Unfortunately, some Southern racists ruined things by only applying political competency tests to African Americans, so the Voting Rights Act of 1965 pretty much nipped that idea in the bud.
But, what if there were a way for people to self-administer this test to prove over and over again to their friends and family that they are America+ citizens? It seems silly to think anyone would submit that kind of personal information on a daily basis to coworkers and near strangers …. and then Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook.
I’ve created a new U.S. Citizenship Recertification test based on my research, which consisted of diddling around on Facebook all day.
1. How have you honored your mom today?
a. Changed your privacy settings so she can’t see your drunken pictures and status updates.
b. Changed your profile picture to one of you with your mom.
c. Copy and pasted a pre-written status that says your mom is your hero, challenging others to say the same.
If you didn’t write “all of the above” in the margin, then you’re only as American as baseball and apple pie, which is barely passing muster. Hell, baseball isn’t even really American anymore. Two out of three ain’t bad, if you’re a Socialist.
2. How did you support the troops today?
a. Thanked a soldier.
b. “Liked” the Support the Troops page.
c. Sent dirty pictures to a soldier.
d. Posted a video where a soldier yells at tourists in Arlington National Cemetery, proving exactly just what “rest in peace” means.
If you answered “d,” then you are a true armchairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Answering “a,” however, does not guarantee citizenship as you have to stop each and every veteran you see and specifically thank them for their service. (A random “thank you” could be misconstrued as “thank you for holding that door open.”)
If you answered “c,” then please friend me.
3. What is your profile picture of?
b. Yourself in your Halloween costume.
c. Your kid.
d. Anything having to do with President Barack Obama sucking in general.
Answering “a” does not deduct any points, whereas “d” awards infinity zillion bonus points for political awareness and patriotism. A “c” answer awards one point per child in the photo as these are future citizens.
While “b” has nothing to do with your citizenship application, please note that is now December and The Dark Knight is three years old.
4. How many of your status updates and profile entries mention “God” or “the Bible?”
b. None, but other holy books and deities are mentioned.
c. Once, where I list the Bible in my favorite books.
If you answered “d” or “e,” award yourself one point per entry. If you answered “c,” deduct ten points for lying on Facebook. If you answered “b,” then your personal information has already been forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security.
And if you answered “a,” then why do you hate Christmas?
4. (Short Essay) If Facebook added a “dislike” button, what post would you use it on in your current timeline?
This is less about what you actually answer and more of a test of your ability to write a five paragraph essay. Entries will be scored on basic grammar, spelling and mentions of “my taxpayer dollars.”
That’s it! Congratulations to everyone who passed! If you found yourself coming up short in points, but believe this is an error and you should be a citizen, then change your profile picture to the one below.