Tips for a Christian Halloween

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Halloween is a tricky (pardon the pun) holiday for Christians given its pagan roots and association with various festivals of the dead.

Some Christians are dead set against it, but thanks to slick Madison Avenue packaging and hyper-candy-consumerism, Halloween can be as acceptable to Christians as a fun-sized Baby Ruth® bar.

Yet, for a holiday intended for children, adults still manage to screw it up a lot, with sexy costumes and lousy candy, but here are some tips to consider to maximize the fun of this most unholy holiday for Christians:

 

Costumes:

DO – Allow your kids to dress as an angel, Shepard, Wise man, Mary or Joseph. The rule of thumb is that if it’s a costume that’s acceptable for a Christmas pageant at a neighborhood church, it should be okay for your kids to wear as they mooch candy from your neighborhood.

DON’T – Let your kids to dress as any of the aforementioned options with the word “Zombie” in front of it. While precocious PKs may try to pull off the Zombie Jesus costume, passionately assert that Jesus did rise from the dead – to which a quick-witted parent will correctly counter that He did NOT rise from the UNdead.

Jack-O-Lanterns:

DO – Get creative with your gourd-carving skills. A pumpkin bearing a large heart-shaped hole with a glowing candle inside beneath a cross whittled out of the pumpkin stem shows your little light shining.

DON’T – Let your Christian teens go around Smashing Pumpkins on Halloween, even if your name is Billy Corgan and you had a string of alternative-Goth hits off of two multi-platinum albums.

Candy:

DO – Have an ample and abundant supply of the Good News® candy bar – this is a bona fide confection consisting of rich milk chocolate, peanuts and caramel. In fact, it’s the number one selling candy bar in Hawaii (for real) and it’s the perfect option for believers who want to share the “Good News” with trick-or-treaters.

DON’T – Give out any of the following: apples; pencils; toothbrushes; a handful of loose Circus Peanut marshmallows; any “old timer” candy (e.i. Mary Janes, Bit-O-Honey, Black Jack Taffy…etc.) that still comes wrapped in wax paper or any Christian-themed handouts that aren’t also bagged with copious amounts of good candy. Nothing says, “Egg my house” like one of these melancholy freebies.

Witnessing:

DO – Keep it subtle. Maybe have your kids carry a goodie bag that’s logoed with an Ichthys gobbling up candy corns or a snappy saying such as, “Mummies Should Be Wrapped in the Love of Jesus!!”

DON’T – Aggressively proselytize.  Counter to what some Christians believe, a holiday fueled by sugar-induced greed and dressed up with witches, Spidermen and Obamas is not the most opportune time to share Jesus.  Not with preaching to trick-or-treaters.  Not with “hell houses.”  You’ll be fighting the tide of kids who want to get to the next house, and parents who want to get their kids home.  So let it go this one night, and wait for Christmas or Easter.Ultimately, Christians are going to disagree as to whether or not it’s a good idea to partake in Halloween.

However, I think we can all agree that Necco® Wafers are the worst candy on the planet – in fact they should be called Necro Wafers since they taste like chalky death in your mouth. The absolute worst flavor of those detestable discs is the licorice variety, followed closely by the gritty chocolate wafer.

I’d just as soon gnaw a Rolaids® or Tums® – you get the same miserable mouth sensation but at least you get a preventive antacid effect to somewhat counterbalance Halloween’s obligatory sucrose overdose.

Question: What’s the worst Halloween candy or freebie you ever got as a kid?

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Tor Constantino is a former journalist and current PR guy who lives near Washington, DC. He has worked for Fortune 500 companies, CBS Radio, Clear Channel Radio, ABC-TV and CBS-TV affiliates. He has authored his first non-fiction book “A Question of Faith”  and he blogs regularly at www.thedailyretort.com.

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9 thoughts on “Tips for a Christian Halloween”

  1. Normally I do not read post on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to check out and do it! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thank you, very nice post.

  2. “you get the same miserable mouth sensation but at least you get a preventive antacid effect” – Love it!

    Last year, several people stuck my kids with a big postcard thing from their church, BUT it was attached to a gigantic starburst pack, so it was good news for sure.

      1. Eric/DC, I agree! People would be much more receptive to the idea of eternal damnation and such while sucking on those delightful fruit chews bursting with flavor….

  3. The candied popcorn ball was the worst thing I remember being given as a kid. They maybe got one byte taken out before getting trashed. 🙂

    1. Agreed. My folks wouldn’t let us eat those types of homemade give-aways. What we would do was take those popcorn falls, put a coat of varnish on them and save them as Christmas tree ornaments. Once Christmas was over, we’d pack them inside of snow balls and go gunning for the neighborhood bully…good times.

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