Is it me or does the turkey wreak havoc on our homes this time of year? I feel sorry for the birds and have considered alternative meal plans, but then I get hit with the “but it’s a tradition!” whine. I hoist it from my grocer’s freezer and herniate a disc (L5-S1, if you must know.) only to realize that I have to clean out the refrigerator. That’s right, there’s no room for rest or condiments when a 20-pound bird pays a visit. Sure, there’s time to recuperate once it’s in the ‘frig, but only until it’s time to put it in the oven.
Here’s where the confusion begins. A 30-minute power outage can melt everything in your freezer, but for some reason a frozen turkey placed in your refrigerator can maintain it’s frozenness until Groundhog Day. Once the panic sets in (Because if you don’t speed things up, dinner will be ready in about three days.), you start searching for advice and someone tells you about a Turkey Hotline.
That’s right, the turkey confuses enough people that it has it’s own Hotline. Why isn’t there a Chicken Hotline or a Cornish Game Hen Hotline? Because they don’t confuse like a turkey does. You’ve got improper thawing, undercooking, and stuffing missteps–all of which can lead to food poisoning and the immediate hospitalization of loved ones. It’s about time somebody cried fowl. Until then, I’m ordering up a lasagna with a side of stuffing this year.
PS: A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but not if it’s frozen.