A new Chinese takeout place opened in town this week named Buddha’s Bar & Grill. I stopped by to check it out the other day. As I placed my order, I noticed that Ihurtufordollar-Le was cooking in the kitchen. Ihurtufordollar-Le was the young Asian girl that gave me that extremely painful bikini waxing about a month ago (read about my waxing ordeal here). As I watched her preparing food, I could only pray that she washes her hands between jobs.
I had never eaten Chinese food before so not knowing what to order, I figured that egg rolls would be a safe gamble. So, I picked up a half dozen egg rolls and headed home. At home, I started ripping into these egg rolls, and to my surprise, I couldn’t find one damned egg in any of them.
At this point, I was pissed. I figured that an egg roll would contain at least one egg. Hell, even Ronald McDonald puts eggs in his Egg Mcmuffins. To understand this unfamiliar food, I thought I would call up my neighbor, Mrs. Pritts and ask what she knows about egg rolls.
Mrs. Pritts answered, “Lay an egg on the table and push it with your finger, Dumb Ass!”
Then Mrs. Pritts added, “You know, I once had a husband who thought he was a chicken. I almost divorced him but we really needed the eggs.”
Sheeeeesh! Now I’m wondering why I decided to call Mrs. Pritts. You know, that woman reminds me of an 80-year-old refrigerator. She’s still plenty cold, but her light went out years ago.
I hung up on Mrs. Pritts when she asked me if I wanted to come over to her trailer, and then I called my buddy Roger the midget and asked him how to make an egg roll. He was half drunk and thought I was playing a game and responded by asking me unanswerable questions like “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “Why don’t chickens fly?” I hung up on Roger when he began cursing God for only making him four feet tall.�
I’m still pissed about no eggs being in my egg rolls and the last thing I want to do is to go back to the Chinese restaurant and risk being recognized by Ihurtufordollar-Le, but I wanted some answers and a refund, so I headed back to Buddha’s Bar and Grill.
I don’t understand Chinese but I’m smart enough to know when I’m being cussed out in any language. When I asked why there were no eggs in my Chinese egg rolls, everyone in Buddha’s laughed. They stopped laughing and started cussing when I demanded my money back. When Ihurtufordollar-Le started coming toward me with a BBQ brush and cup of hot grease, I ran for my life. As I ran out the door, I stumbled into their folding street sign that was advertizing Chicken Egg Rolls. As I picked myself up off the sidewalk, I could only wonder what’s in a Chicken Egg Roll or was it all just a lie too.
It’s been an hour since I ate my egg-less Chinese egg rolls and I’m hungry again. As I sit here snacking on a slice of cold American made Pizza, I started looking for a bright side to this story, and I think I found one. We no longer need a dog catcher in town. Our stray pet problem mysteriously seemed to disappear when Buddha’s opened!
But I’m still puzzled with one question: Why were there no eggs in my Chinese egg rolls?
photo by Bob Usher