What to Name a Baby? How About Toilet?

I’ve always been fascinated with names – why parents choose the names they choose, why people change the names their parents choose for them, and why anybody would give their babies names that are – in a word – stupid.

Like the guy whose first and middle names were both Jerome – not that Jerome is a stupid name, mind you, but couldn’t his parents have been more creative than to give a child the same first and middle names? Out of every conceivable name they could have chosen, did no other first/middle name combination sound right to them?

But then who am I to comment on somebody else’s choice? Jerome must have like his name, because when it came time for him to choose his own Confirmation name, he chose – wait for it – wait for it – that’s right – Jerome – Jerome Jerome Jerome Jhemoric (sorry, can’t divulge his real last name).

Naming characters for stories and screenplays also takes forethought. If you want to create a name for a huntress, you choose Diana (as I did for my book, Mud Puzzles: Vengeance With A Fury). When I blog about people who would crucify me if I divulged their real names, I resort to made up names, like Beebeeshababa and Shalala to protect them from being embarrassed, but I would never actually name a child Beebeeshababa – unless I was on DRUGS.

Some people, however, might. As everyone who has ever been pregnant knows, finding just the right name is a process that requires some time and lots of forethought, nine months or more. So when names like Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz come to my attention, the name chosen by Charles Manson for the newborn child of one of his followers, I find myself saying a little prayer for the unfortunate baby.

Then again what should I have expected from the mangled mind of Manson? (Thankfully the child was adopted and given a different name.)

Another problem with names is that when children first hear a name, they sometimes either don’t hear the name correctly or they don’t pronounce the name correctly, so they repeat what they hear, not what the speaker actually said – like the time one of my grandson’s didn’t understand what his aunt’s mother-in-law said when she told him her name. Read the Hey, Soup! blog if you want to read it.

For several years my youngest daughter heard her name pronounced Beenie Neen by her brother, because he couldn’t pronounce Brittney Lynne. We started calling her Bean for short. That’s sometimes how nicknames start.

For people who, after nine months of preparing for the birth of a child, still don’t have a name picked out for their infants, I ask, What’s the problem? You have THOUSANDS of names from which to choose! I mean, really! Just PICK A NAME! It’s not like somebody is going to come along, slap you in the face, say, “WRONG CHOICE! YOU LOSE!” and then take away your baby.

Back in 1969, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, I KNEW what I would name her long before she was ever conceived; I had known for years that my first baby’s name was going to be Lisa Marie. But then Elvis and Priscilla Presley came along and used that name, MY name. So I had to change my plans; I didn’t want everybody thinking I named my daughter after anybody famous.

So, when I came across a cute little blond girl named Keely, who lived in Texas, several states away from where I lived, I decided to give my daughter that name, spelled differently (Keeley), because nobody I knew had it and I had never before heard that name.

My mother said, “Name her that and she will HATE you for the rest of your life.” I should have told my mother I was going to name my baby Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz. Then Keeley might not have sounded so bad.

I have to admit, though, my mother was partially right. My daughter grew up without barrettes, door signs, and keychains labeled with her name. Keeley has since grown to love her name, though, so I guess I chose wisely.

When one of my other daughters struggled to find a name for her son, I watched her and her husband agonize for months about what to name him. Read Naming Bubby if you’re interested in learning how that scenario played out.

Then there are names you hear, but you can’t believe what you’ve just heard. One day, in the late 1970s, while I was working at a Chicago hospital, I got a call from somebody who told me his name was Kareem Abdul-Jabaar. I’d never heard anything like that name before. I asked him to repeat the name. How do you spell that? Remember, it was between 1975 and 1979, and I had no clue at the time who Kareem Abdul-Jabaar was; I was used to hearing names like John, Mary, Jim, Sue, Paul, Beth, and Kitchen.

Yes, you read that right – Kitchen. While working at that same hospital, I got a call from a woman whose husband was named, Kitchen. Why? Because he was born on the kitchen floor. I wanted to say how happy I was that he hadn’t been born in the bathroom until I remembered the phone call I got from a woman whose name was Latrine.

Yeah, Latrine. Do you mean to tell me that NOBODY in her circle of friends, NOBODY in her family, and NOBODY at the hospital where that baby was born, could have told her what Latrine meant?

Then again, maybe the baby was a relative of Kitchen’s and she was born in the toilet. They probably had a cousin named Bedroom, an aunt named Back Door, an uncle named Closet, a brother named Shelf, and various relatives with names like Spoon, Chandelier (what a pretty name), and Fridge (oh, wait, no, that was the Chicago Bears).

Anyway, my thoughts are that as the spirit of a baby surrounds the parents, she (or he) whispers her chosen name into the ears of her parents. Some parents just can’t hear correctly.

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9 thoughts on “What to Name a Baby? How About Toilet?”

  1. Thankful, I picked out my own name when I turned 13. I never liked the middle name of “Bruce” to begin with, Yuck! Still, that’s better than Latrine!

  2. Seriously, I know people named Kelly Green, Blue Gray, Happy Campers, what were their parents thinking!

    1. I probably should have included this in the article, but I went to school with a girl named Penny Cashdollar.

  3. My daughter Coleen with one L is not found anywhere. Since she was born Christmas – I put Noel in as her middle name. The real spelling should be Noelle. She complains all the time. I love funny rhyming names: I know a Joan Simone and an Alice Morales.

    1. Well, you will love this – when people mispronounce my name, they call me Theresa Weeza 😉

        1. I wonder if I subliminally married him for that reason. You’d think when I divorced him, my asthma would have improved. Guess I should have gotten a different last name 😉

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