Wherein I Solve All the World’s Problems

Doo-doo is not a word I normally use in this column, but you know what? I just can’t argue with world affairs experts. The world is mired in deep, throbbing doo-doo. (Doo-doo is sex, right? That’s what kids mean when they shorten it to “doing it,” right?)

 

The worst part is that many of the solutions we’ve tried along the way — invading countries, adding a pinch of jasmine to revolutions, giving equal television time to aging white Republican voters and college-aged white Democrat voters (for once) — it’s all made everything worse.

But, you know what nobody’s tried, not even once? Asking me what to do. And even though that still hasn’t happened — not even after I saved the U.S. space program — I presume it’s because asking now would seem prompted.

Sit back, and let another white male take a crack at this shit.

Egypt’s Christian population, or Copts, is currently fighting in the streets with Muslims and police after a recent attack by Islamist radicals. In an effort to make the Copts feel less attacked, the Egyptian army has reportedly killed several in the streets. Somehow, this hasn’t worked, and now even I know about it.

Solution: Switch back to Egyptian mythology.

Everybody loves the ancient Egyptian religion, even the Greeks and Romans — and their gods weren’t exactly slouches, either. If you think Muslims are busy with five prayers a day, just imagine how busy they’ll be praying to at least 114 gods and goddesses? And that count hasn’t been updated since about 3 or 4 AD, so we still haven’t named any deities in charge of finding wireless networks or keeping phone calls from your parents short.

Unemployed people have taken to the streets — Wall Street, in particular — to protest what they see as government and financial favoritism towards the one percent of the population that owns everything in the United States, even your tramp stamp of the Arby’s logo. Republicans have described the protest as both Communists and Nazis, proving that they not only don’t believe in government, they don’t even know the meaning of the word.

In the meantime, people are pooping on cars.

Solution: Switch to Egyptian mythology.

Before you jump down to the comments and accuse me of repeating my previous answer, I said “switch to,” not “switch back to.” As far as I am aware, this idea has never been tried in all of U.S. History, although the Vikings gave it the old college try back in 1000 AD. Even still, that’s Norse mythology, which doesn’t solve economic problems. That’s why we need pyramids. (Or: TWWNP, Stupid.)

By declaring one percent of the population “living gods” or pharaohs, we can finally tackle that unemployment problem by putting the other 99 percent on pyramid-building duty. This way, we get to maintain the status quo without upending society as we know it, and we’ll finally spruce up the Mojave Desert for the first time since FDR.

After all the rumors of a shit-hot iPhone 5 that would be thinner with a bigger, unbreakable screen and always know where you put your keys last, Apple unveiled the newest model: the 4S. It’s the same as the 4, only with faster internal parts you can’t see and a 64-gig model. The only way to restore Apple’s good name was to kill off Steve Jobs for sympathy, forgetting that now there’s nobody to design the iPhone 5 for real this time.

Solution: Get a regular phone and hire a personal assistant.

Look, I can be a realist. I know it’s not very plausible and might violate the Constitution a little for the U.S. to embrace ancient Egyptian theocracy — even if the Freemasons totally put pyramids on our money already. So, maybe we could just hire them all as personal assistants and make flip-phones cool again like Star Trek predicted.