WWJD? | HumorOutcasts


April 19, 2011

I have a confession to make. It is time to come clean.

While it is true that there has always been a certain social penalty to be paid by not accepting this legendary and omnipresent figure into my life (as it seems that almost everyone is a follower), I can no longer remain silent and be honest with myself.

Sure, he’s not new to me. He was always around as I was growing up. Many have even said that his influence is obvious even in our government, though I think that this claim is certainly ludicrous and held only by his most ardent followers. And it has always seemed that following him a bit too extremely can cost a person a near fortune.

Many have claimed that his philosophy has changed many lives for the better, creating changes in attitudes and sometimes even latitudes (though I have a hard time accepting such a supernatural occurrence as teleportation). Even so, he claims multitudes as his followers. Many even go as far as placing symbols on the backs of their cars (and even on license plates), referring to themselves by a common name, and some in a leadership role have even worn strange costumes at events designed to support him. Former President George W. Bush even claims to have spoken with him and even seen him “perform”.

I’m not saying that I don’t believe in him. I totally believe that he was born on Christmas Day. I take it as fact. I saw it on his Wikipedia page. I have many friends who go to events where they have claimed to have felt, heard, and even seen his presence. Many of them even raise their hands above their heads and wave them back and forth uncontrollably. What they described was pure ecstasy! I even agree with most of the themes he has championed. Maybe it’s the attitudes and actions of his over-the-top followers that I can’t stand. I guess I feel that they are easily impressed by his overly commercialized, generic expressions. And I suppose that I’m offended by the slew of sinful ventures that have been initiated in his name.

Though many claim that he is all-knowing, I believe that his prophecies are actually quite vague. He claims to know the time, but not where it is that time. And he admitted in print that he didn’t know where he was going to go in response to a volcanic eruption. Again, there wasn’t even a specification as to which volcano. There are at least 1500 active volcanoes on earth!

His teachings are not consistent. One minute he’s comforting you, expressing that it will be all right and he’ll be holding you tight, and then the next minute he suggests imbibing to excess and fornicating while under the influence.

So it is here that I must confess. As hard as I have tried, I must state here for the record:
Jimmy Buffett does nothing for me.

* “Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes”
* A few states have issued Parrothead license plates.
* Some fans dress up as pirates for shows.
* Buffett was actually born on December 25.
* Fans wave their hands over their heads for “Fins”.
* Buffett was once arrested for having 100 ecstasy in his possession.
* Buffett has many licensing deals for booze, food, and even gambling.
* “It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere”
* “Volcano”
* “Come Monday”
* “Why Don’t We Get Drunk”

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7 Responses to WWJD?

  1. Fran Brockmyre
    April 20, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Now I have a confession to make, I don’t know what or who WWJD is.

    • rmspall
      April 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

      “What would Jesus (or Jimmy) Do?”

      • Fran Brockmyre
        April 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm

        Of course, thanks.

  2. lbwoodgate
    April 19, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Everything will be alright after you have had another Margarita. What? You got something against white sand between your toes?

  3. April 19, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I was once dragged to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Despite myself, I actually had fun at his buffet. However, I would never glorify him 😉 Fun read, by the way.

  4. April 19, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I have a Jimmy Buffet shirt but I am not a Parrothead. This was well-written and a fun read.

  5. April 19, 2011 at 6:37 am

    You outdid yourself on this one Richard. Very, very funny. I got a little nervous when you talked about George Bush talking to him and watching him perform. I am surprised he didn’t get carried away and change our national bird to the Parrot.

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