Yes, Miami, There is a Michael Westen

When you’re a petty criminal, sometimes an intel gathering operation doesn’t go as planned. Getting arrested in the Best Buy parking lot with a trunk full of NIC cards and processors isn’t the end of an operation, but sometimes the next step towards bigger and better activities.

In this case, the judge sentenced me to community service at the local (Miami) post office. You might be aware that most post offices have a special section for holding letters addressed to “Santa Claus” at the “North Pole,” and that those letters are eventually answered by felons as part of the prison labor system. Miami has that and a section for letters addressed to “Michael Westen” from the Burn Notice television program.

When you’re trapped in the post office, you have to bide your time, do as you’re told and try not to make any sudden movements (unless you want the employees to complain you’re moving too fast). You do whatever work they give you. (Answering Michael Westen letters.) You rely on anyone who will talk to you. (Nobody). Bottom line: until you get a few of these letters answered, you’re not going anywhere.

Dear Michael,

How are you? I have a problem. I’ve just got my first girlfriend and I tend to “finish” before she can. Is there some way to slow it down?

Your biggest fan,


I’m fine, thanks, “Chuck.”

As for your girl problem, it’s not uncommon for an operative new to the field to get ahead of themselves and blow their cover, especially with an attractive female counterintelligence agent.

A good spy knows that the key to winning in the bedroom is rigorous training, and a healthy diet — including lots of yogurt — helps, too. One of the ways an operative trains is to use A Stranger, which can be assembled with parts on your own body.

By applying enough pressure by, say, sitting on your non-dominant hand, you can cut off blood flow to it, knocking it out for a few minutes while you pretend to grapple with an imaginary opponent. In a compromised operation (and in bed), a few minutes is better than a minute.

It certainly is "groovy."

You may occasionally run into a war zone that’s too hot for your training, in which case calling in heavy artillery (NSFW) may be enough to turn a bad situation to your advantage.

All the best,


Dear Michael,

What is your favorite type of music? Mine is progressive rock.

Your friend,


“Max?” This is either an old letter or you missed a few of the latest episodes.

When you’re a spy, music can be an effective way to shift the fog of war into your favor. You want to use music that will distract the target, but won’t detract from your focus. I personally prefer trip-hop or calypso.

Happy Hunting,


Dear Michael,

Who are you narrating to? If you’re a spy, then why would anyone be listening to you explain what you’re doing as you’re doing it?



Rachel, if it isn’t obvious by now, I have Ted Mosby’s children. Ted, if you’re reading this and would like to see them again, then meet me at the city marina, Pier 16. Bring their mother.

Eagerly awaiting Ted’s and not Rachel’s response,


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One thought on “Yes, Miami, There is a Michael Westen”

  1. So, where is this Best Buy parking lot? Sounds like a lot of interesting stuff goes on there. The advice given to the letter writers is also filled with such wise gems, I almost cried. 🙂

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