A History of Contraception

If we’ve learned one thing from the Republican debates—other than the fact that Republicans are retarded—it’s that Barack Obama is a religion-hating baby killer. And with all the hubbub over the president’s “war on religion,” contraception has become a major news topic. This has led many men to ask me questions like, “Frank, how in the world has a handsome stud like you managed to keep from knocking up broads?”

My first answer, of course, is to keep referring to women as broads. That pretty much shuts down any chance you’ll have of getting laid.

But let’s suppose you’ve managed to get some crazy broad to actually succumb to your advances and now you have to decide on a way to keep from impregnating the crazy broad and possibly spending the rest of your miserable life stuck with the crazy broad and your wonderful lovechild. You will want to be well versed on the subject of contraception, and that’s where I come in because I happen to be America’s foremost authority on the history of birth control. Think I’m kidding? Go back and read the previous sentence where it says “I happen to be America’s foremost authority on the history of birth control.” That pretty much says it all.

So read on and learn something.

[Author’s note: Before reading on and learning something, understand that the only 100% successful method of contraception is abstinence. Abstinence sucks.]

Pulling Out of a Bad Situation

The first known method of contraception in which you get to actually have sex, Coitus Interruptus (Latin for “Stop coitusing!”), was invented by the ancient Latins and involves nothing more than removal of the penis from the vagina prior to ejaculation.

This method, though fundamentally sound, isn’t always successful because with blood no longer present in the brain, your average man forgets what his function is in complicated methods of birth control such as coitus interruptus.

It’s in the Bag

Having seen the Latins fail miserably in devising a reliable method of contraception, the ancient Trojans decided it was time they took a crack at it. That’s when a scientist from the University of Southern California stumbled upon an ingenious idea while eating lunch in the school cafeteria. By the end of the day, he had produced a prototype of the first condom—a modified sandwich bag. After numerous failed experiments in which bread crumbs caused much discomfort for the participants, the practice of eating the sandwich prior to stuffing the bag was instituted resulting in great success and making condoms the third most important purchase on college campuses today (after beer and drugs).

White Men Can’t Hump

Despite the wild success of condoms, some men prefer to ride bareback leading to the development of other forms of contraception such as the rhythm method. I’d like to tell you the rhythm method works, but the only time I tried it resulted in pregnancy. This failure was likely due to the fact that—as my wife would tell you—I have no rhythm.

Block That Prick!

The fatal flaw in these methods of birth control was that they relied on the man to do something, and as we all know, men are lazy and stupid. Theoretically, remembering to pull the penis out or staying sober enough to stop at the drug store on the way home from the tittie bar shouldn’t be that big an issue, but again, we’re talking about men here.

So scientists went back to the drawing board and decided to turn their attention away from the penis and concentrate deeply on the vagina. Had I been a scientist, the vagina would have been number one on my checklist, but what do you expect from a bunch of eggheads?

Anyway, after hours of brainstorming, these brilliant men decided a barrier of some sort would do the trick and started cramming various objects inside women’s vaginas. After years and years of cramming things into women’s vaginas, the scientists finally decided diaphragms, sponges, and IUDs worked best.

Even though they work pretty well, these invasive forms of birth control aren’t terribly popular among the ladies mainly because it’s bad enough having a penis shoved up your hoo-hoo, let alone other crap.

A Little Pill-Poppin’ Egg-Stoppin’ Magic

Meanwhile, other scientists—the smart ones—were devoting their time to developing a wonderful little miracle pill (cleverly named the “birth control pill”) for women that magically keeps them from dropping their eggs.

Beautiful! No more relying on stupid men to do something. No more sticking foreign objects where they don’t belong. But most importantly: no eggs, no omelet.

So pop those pills and put on something lacy, ladies. Your men are on their way home from the tittie bar and they’re horny!