Addictions that Would Make Betty Ford Cringe

I was bored so I decided to channel surf, and I came across previews for the show, “My Strange Addiction” on TLC.  At first I thought this was going to be a show about how much chocolate one needs to eat to survive or the need for a lot of shoes, but I soon learned that those addictions are no longer worthy of psychiatric care. No, this show made everyday addictions like smoking crack seem as tame as a tea party.  In this previewed episode, the show profiles a woman who needs to eat pet food, another woman who insists on sticking sharp objects in her ears, and a man who has sex with his car.

Let’s start with the pet food lady: She eats only pet snacks; her cupboards are filled with them. Blah, blah, blah.  While eating dog food is gross, it is usually not harmful except for the bad breath issues that I am sure would ensue. Liva-snaps cannot leave behind a minty mouth, but I guess she can eat a Greenie or those pet breath mints and be okay.  Yes, this is a strange addiction but unless she is coughing up hairballs, it is sort of dull.

I’m sorry; I don’t mean to demean her addiction, but I am trying to get to the guy who has sex with his car as quickly as I can. Please remember, he doesn’t have sex IN his car; he has sex WITH his car.  Now, hold onto that thought while I talk about the lady who needs to stick sharp objects in her ears.

The woman in this episode enjoyed cleaning out her ears with scissors.  What the hell is she digging for in there and how has she graduated from soft, cottony Q-tips to scissors?  How does she still have eardrums?  I know someone who went too far with a cotton swab and he lost his hearing. I would think scissors would perforate a lot more than mounds of ear wax. Can those scissors find their way to her brain? Maybe she is a victim just like that guy in the urban legend who snitched on a Mexican drug dealer and as revenge, the drug dealer put an insect in his ear, and he could feel the bug working its way to his brain where it ate the gray matter until he died.  Maybe this chick thinks she has one of those brain-eating bugs, and scissors are the only way to get it out.

Here is another theory: Maybe the woman is trying to lose her hearing. Maybe she has had enough of her husband bitching or her teenage kids’ attitude or maybe she just watched one too many segments of FOX News and needs to drown them out. Who knows?

Okay, let’s get to the guy has sex with his car: I have to say, the car is pretty. It’s red and sporty, but I still don’t think it’s my type. This entire car thing has me a bit confused. I thought men got red sports cars when they go through their mid-life crisis and that the sports cars are supposed to be extensions of their “manhood”.  This guy on this addiction show doesn’t look at the sports car as his genitals; he looks at it as place to put his genitals. I know this is disturbing, but I’m going to be a trooper and continue on.  First, they show this guy making out with the hood of his car, and I am talking sloppy kissing where I do believe I saw tongue. Then he slips underneath the car for what I can only guess is sex.  What does he expect to happen under there?  What does happen under there?  What does that car have underneath the hood? I guess it gives new meaning to the saying, “she gets my motor going”. I know; we could go on and on making quips, but the problem is that a grown man thinks his car is having sex with him, and this fulfills his life.

Is this guy truly a candidate for only outpatient treatment? They lock up Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears for cocaine and booze, but a guy who has intercourse with his car gets a guest spot on a cable show and he gets to keep the car?  Do you know what’s really scary? These people live among us in society every day. They shop in the same stores, eat in the same restaurants, and yes, they have the right to vote. I think we might all be doomed.