This week in the news, there was a report of a horrific crime in Florida which involved a deranged man, supposedly high on bath salts, chewing the face off another man. I am not laughing at this crime; there is no humor in it. However, I am a bit surprised at some of the responses to this crime as it made its way across the internet.
First off, on my news feed, the breaking news headline was legitimate “Man seriously hurt by face-biting attacker.” Next to the legitimate headline there was another which read, “Face-eating attacker is Sign of the Apocalypse.”
How did we go from the crime of one insane person to the apocalypse? Apparently, for some, zombies are a telltale sign of the end. My first reaction to the zombie apocalypse theory is this: Can’t God do any better than zombies? Is this how He is going to end it all – a pumped up version of the Night of the Living Dead? I didn’t realize He was such a horror fan. Although if you believe the Old Testament, you would see that his love of horror does shine through.
What makes the face attack crime in Florida a legitimate warning sign to zombie believers is that it occurred in daylight hours. Zombie attacks are supposed to be a nighttime activity. Now, to me, any zombie attack would be ominous, but again, I am not versed in zombie lore.
So, as I was reading about the zombie apocalypse, I came across several articles on the topic including one in The Christian Post which listed several other zombie-esque attacks which occurred in the past month. It’s interesting to note that a lot of these incidents did occur in Florida. Is it the tropical sun? Who knows? But maybe all the old people who moved there for rest and relaxation might want to re-think their retirement plans.
Here is the list of some of the other attacks and my non-zombie theories about what might have occurred. Feel free to draw your own conclusion as to whether a zombie apocalypse is upon us.
Students and teachers in a Florida high school developed a mysterious rash and had to be decontaminated by the CDC. Zombie experts say this is an apocalyptic sign that a zombie germ has run amok.
My non-zombie theory: Why couldn’t the rash have been the result of eating bad fish sticks in the cafeteria?
An anesthesiologist, Dr. Zachary Bird, was arrested in Orlando by the Florida Highway Patrol. The police say the man was so agitated that he banged his head on the officer’s window until he bled and then spit his blood in the trooper’s face.
My non zombie theories: Hm – an anesthesiologist with lots of access to hallucinogenic drugs freaked out on a cop. What could the cause for this incident be? Let me think…DRUGS?
Okay, say he wasn’t high on drugs. I have a second guess: the man was frustrated with the wait time to get into the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios and took it out on the state trooper. I have been on those never-ending lines in amusement parks. They can make you do crazy things.
A man in Hackensack, New Jersey stabbed himself several times and then threw his own intestines at the police.
My non-zombie theory: A bad stomach ache that would not go away; He got tired of taking the Tums and Rolaids and no one would take him to the doctor, so he took drastic measures. When I told my non-zombie theory to my husband last night he said, “That sounds a bit farfetched.” To which I responded, “Really, more farfetched than freaking zombies?”
A man in California was arrested for allegedly biting the tip off of his cousin’s nose.
My non-zombie theory: I admit this seems to be the smoking gun of zombie stories, but I would like to remind you how highly charged family fights can be. I have seen families come to blows over silly things like who gets to have the holidays at their home or who slept with two brothers right before her sister’s wedding to one of those brothers? Family fights erupt over almost nothing. There is a very fine line between love and hate, and maybe this person’s nose was right on that line.
So zombie lovers, I leave it up to you. Maybe there is a zombie apocalypse or maybe there are just a lot of whackos in the world. Either way, hold onto your nose when in public. You never know who might want to bite it off.