Ask Dr. Snee: Spring is All Up in Us

And the quickest way to looking fly? Flies.

Hello, Internet patients.

It’s been a while since I’ve answered your letters, but that’s because I’ve been furiously working out for bikini season. As we say in the medical community, you get more fly with honey smeared on washboard abs than on body hair and love handles.

But, even though it’s also vasectomy season, I’m taking a timeout from my brackets to answer your letters …

Dear Dr. Snee,

I’m trying to control my food portions to lose weight, but all I’m finding is that I’m still hungry afterwards. What can I do to eat less and be happy about it?
Sick of Carrots

Food is tricky, SOC. It’s a fact that doctors like myself cannot get around, no matter how many food-in-pill-form companies we invest in. (You can’t hide from my lawyers forever, Wonka.)

Part of the problem is that food is such a generic category. Apples are food, and pigs are food, but Doritos taco shells are food, too.

Some doctors believe that the key to controlling portions is to expand certain portions to make up for less nutritious ones you’ve reduced, like eating more salad so that you eat less bacon grease gelato. I advise you to look closely at those doctors, especially in the mouth area, because you’ll find they have buck teeth like rabbits. This is a clear sign that they are in the pocket of Big Agriculture.

I mean, which sounds healthier? Food grown in dirt mixed with feces by the cast of Deliverance? Or food grown in sterile laboratories by our nation’s brightest minds and rigorously (and secretly) tested on our future presidents, children?

It's Science Diet ... only for people.

So, no, of course I don’t prescribe to silly theories like eating poopfruit and squatting on prime golf acres. I was born a man of science and will die a man of science in the manacled embrace of my future sexbot.

Fortunately, science may have found a way to curb your voracious appetite: smells. In a recent Dutch study (which is a study where all the participating scientists share the catering costs evenly, but sex is still had afterward), researchers found that people eat less when served food with a strong aroma.

So, if you really want to eat less, eat more Limburger, onions and whatever Korean neighbors cook. Not only will your will to eat die off, but people will keep their distance, and we all know that objects at a distance look smaller.

Dear Dr. Snee,

It’s allergy season, which means it’s time for my annual sinus infection. However, my doctor won’t prescribe antibiotics this time. She says there’s some new guideline that says she’s not allowed to. Is this true, and if so, what should I do?
Sniffly in San Jose

Sorry about your sinus infection, Sniffly, but your doctor is correct. New guidelines from the Infectious Disease Society of America state that antibiotics can only be prescribed for bacterial sinus infections, not viral ones that make up the majority of cases.

You can trust me with all your medical secrets, including your painful bowel obstructions.

The reason is to prevent the proliferation of antibiotic-resistant superinfections, which are already starting to pop up, including a very dangerous strain of tuberculosis.

So, your options are to soldier it out until it clears up or lasts long enough to be ruled definitively bacterial … or you can go the proactive Dr. Snee route.

Now, normally, I’m no fan of introducing any foreign animals into my body. In fact, I live in a hermetically-sealed domicile and only screen patients by CCTV. But, I’ve been moonlighting for an unnamed participant in the yogurt industry and have since learned that not all bacteria is bad for you.

What you do is fill a Neti pot with watered down yogurt, but not the Greek stuff because that will just prop up their welfare state, and rinse your sinuses with that. Not only will your mucus gain a more medically alarming viscosity, but tests will prove the presence of bacteria.

And, if you’re the frugal type, do the rinse over a bowl of cereal.

Dr. Snee:

This letter is to inform you that a restraining order has been filed against you in a court of law. Please stop contacting your former patient, one [NAME OMITTED], over social media. A copy of this order and the case details have been forwarded to the local medical board for their consideration of your medical license.
Lawyer McC-Blocker

And the owner of that lonely heart? Me.

Wow. You know what, [NAME OMITTED]? I’m filing my own cease-and-desist order, one for you to stop breaking my heart. (As a doctor, I’m currently licensed to inform you that it is the medical condition that killed the Star Wars prequels.)

I thought we really had a moment there when I had my nurse practitioner swab your throat for strep. I even stopped seeing other patients. Well, look out, single insured ladies, because there’s a newly released catch on the dating market, and I go great with red or white wine.

I … I just … Oh, I’ll answer more of your letters when I’m ready to dat — I mean, medicate again.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications include high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

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6 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Snee: Spring is All Up in Us”

  1. I think I may be allergic to a Neti pot!

    This is hilarious! Laughter is the best medicine and you have certainly provided that, Doctor Snee!

    1. Laughter’s effectiveness in medical treatment is still up for debate, Mike. Your best bet is to direct either rage or malice towards an infection until you pass out. The emergency room will quietly take care of whatever the problem was and slip the cost onto your bill. (Usually by charging for a couple extra saline bags.)

  2. Wow! You made me laugh out loud. I wish my real doctor could do that.

    Oh, and every time I look at a bowl of cereal it will remind me of neti pot drippings. Thanks for ruining breakfast for me.

    1. Have you tried looking up your doctor on Facebook and rifling through his or her photos to see how they killed time in med school? Oh, the things you can do with post-autopsy corpses and beer money.

    1. I try to look at my Neti pot a little differently each time. Some times I see a swan. Other times, a penis. Depends on when my last psychiatry appointment was, and whether I’m becoming immune to my medications.

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