On the heels of Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett’s assertion that a transvaginal ultrasound is not an intrusive procedure “because I don’t have a vagina”, the Utah legislature is nearing passage of what would be the nation’s most restrictive abortion statute. The proposed law would apply to any slut who elects to have an abortion in the state of Utah.
Doctors would be required to first question the woman to see if she knows how this happened. A short biology lesson will commence, including all of the naughty parts that Utah lawmakers blocked from the public school’s sex education program. This is followed by a contrite apology to baby Jesus. Then the doctor must perform a transvaginal ultrasound. He or she would also be forced to describe the fetal heartbeat in detail, such as “thump thump thump” or “thump a dump thump a dump” or “ba da ba ba ba – I’m lovin’ it”. Then the patient would be offered two framed copies of the image as a keepsake, along with 8 bonus wallet photos (no sitting fee). Random caption balloons would be affixed above the fetus’ image, with lines such as
“I love you, Mom. Don’t kill me.”
“Send me to the Duggars!”, or
“Thanks for nothing, whore”
Videos would also be pressed to blu-ray and copies sent to the harlot’s parents and pastor. Realistic puppets would then be made of the woman and fetus. The patient would then perform the puppet show using a provided script while providing multiple voices for herself and fetus. And, according to the law, “you better really sell it!”
And finally a rectal sonogram would be performed. Not for any particular medical necessity. Just so she’ll think twice about any further dirty business.