Decoding Men

Several times this month, I had lunch or dinner with women who are extremely frustrated with the various men in their lives.  In short, they are tired of trying to figure them out. So, in an effort to help out my fellow females, I have decided to help them decode men. How hard can it be? As one male friend told me, “We think about sex, eating and sleeping. Not always in that order but that pretty much sums up our existence.”  If men are so simple, why don’t women get them?  Anyway, I talked to some male friends and they have decoded some common lines that those of their gender might say to women.

Let’s not go out. I just want to be with you – See, on the surface this sounds romantic, but this actually has two meanings. The first meaning is “I don’t really want to see your friends or go shopping or go anywhere that holds the slightest possibility that I might have to dance.  The second meaning is: “Let’s stay in and have sex and order pizza because that is my dream night.”

I hate the games women play – Men claim to hate games. They say they hate being manipulated into doing anything from going to a party to getting married. However, they also hate when women get assertive and want straight up relationship answers.  They want the relationship but they don’t want to really be in a relationship.   So, the advice of my male panel is to  ask questions and play games – whatever you are most comfortable with. Just make sure that whatever road you take, you take food with you – preferably beef and bacon as these foods squelch any relationship anxiety men usually feel.

I love your curves – This might be his safe and oh, so delicate way of saying, “Did you gain weight?”  It’s funny, men can never ask the straight out weight question to the special women in their lives because they want to continue living. But men are amazed that women never hold back. If men are putting on the pounds, women have no qualms about telling them so.  They buy them bigger pants and say, “Okay, this is as big as you are going to get. Your diet starts tomorrow.”  Women are blunt about men’s faults – from snoring to farting – nothing is private.  I give men kudos because they just instinctively know that a woman’s appearance and any bad habits she possesses should never be the topic of criticism if they want to continue to have a working penis.

I am crazy about you, but I feel smothered – Translation: He’s cheating. And if he is cheating with some desperate woman, who knew he was in a relationship but didn’t care, you will find out in a public way, so beware. The desperate woman, who your friends will soon dub “the whore”, will flaunt her “secret” relationship with your guy whenever possible. She will tell mutual friends, family, post it on Facebook–whatever. Honestly, sometimes we women are our own worst enemy. We think nothing of stabbing a fellow female in the back for a guy.  According to my male advisers, men rarely break up first to pursue the new woman. For as much as they claim to hate relationships, they don’t want to risk losing it all, so cheating is a great solution and they will try to justify it.

Important note: If you discover a guy is cheating, take the high road. Do not pull a Carrie Underwood and wreck his “pretty, little, souped-up four-wheel drive”.   While the immediate emotional release might seem worth it, destroying something such as a car can be a felony, and unless you look like Carrie Underwood, you are either going to jail or doing a lot of community service picking up trash on the side of the road.

Instead of contemplating destroying things; contemplate this:  Usually, when men stray with the “whore”, the excitement fades. However, if you dump him, he has to stay with the chick he cheated with – at least for a while. He’s stuck because he can’t admit he lost the best thing in his life for a cheap fling. Yes, karma is a bitch.

Of course, I want to marry you; I just need to find me first – I’m sorry to be blunt, but according to the men I polled, if a man says this, he doesn’t want to marry you.  He wants nothing to do with marriage with you in any way, and guess what? That is okay. Forget what your mother said: marriage is not the most important step a woman can take – far from it!  If he says he has to find himself, know you dodged that bullet and move on.  You will be happy you did.

I don’t let anyone read my phone texts – I am not big on reading anyone’s texts, emails, etc. Everyone is allowed their privacy.  However, my male panel says that there are three possible reasons for a guy to turn his phone away so a female friend can’t see who is texting him: First, it’s a guy friend texting who is saying something sexist or gross and he doesn’t want a woman to think he finds these words funny.  Second, he is cheating; and third, he is a drug dealer.  Keep calm. Do not jump to conclusions or ruin a relationship because of a text.  If it’s a lot of texts, the assertive woman in you should ask questions. One caveat: If he is a drug dealer, the asking questions thing is probably dangerous, so good luck!