Eight Ways to Make Catholic Mass Great Again

Recently it appears that religion seems to be slowly waning in its influence. This is no less true than with the Catholic faith. Young people are simply not identifying with the faith anymore, and I think that the staleness of the mass is to blame.

I am therefore suggesting the following improvements.

1. Collection basket is for receiving, not giving. Pretzels or nuts would be good.
2. Get rid of the boring church music in favor of live rock music.
3. No more sermons from a priest. In fact, just get rid of the priest. Instead you talk among yourselves at circular tables instead of pews.
4. To reduce the stuffy atmosphere, make the altar more approachable. Chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, and pizza might help.
5. Cover the walls with flat screens showing sports continuously.
6. Replace one-time sign of peace handshakes with random spontaneous high-fives in accordance with said sporting events.
7. Instead of Altar Boys, patrolling “Jesus Girls” roam the mass looking to take beer and liquor orders.
8. Two words: Bacon eucharist. With unlimited seconds.

Talk about a “happy” hour!

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2 thoughts on “Eight Ways to Make Catholic Mass Great Again”

  1. This sounds just like our local Irish pub. Oh wait … okay. I get it.

    By the way, please don’t really try to replace the music at Mass. As much as I hate most of the stuff I have to sing, occasionally I get to sing something worthwhile, and they pay me to do this.

    Oh, and just for the record, I like going to church, although I tend to feel like a member of a disappearing minority.

  2. I’ve been to a place like this: Our Lady of the perpetual good times. They seem to be really popular! The eucharist is much improved with the use of pizza and beer replacing the wafers and wine.

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