Explaining Democracy to Foreigners and Children

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly

Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.

Egypt and Libya: technically, this is your appointment at the Genius Bar®, but I hope you won’t mind if others (like the aforementioned children) follow along. However, do not attempt to bootleg and share Explaining Democracy® to Foreigners and Children (© 1789) with unlicensed Democracy® users, as this violates my copyright and your warranty.

1) FreeSpeech™

FreeSpeech™ is a revolutionary, though admittedly hard to use, social application of Democracy®.

Using FreeSpeech™ can result in irritation, titillation, laughter, great vengeance, and furious anger. Do not use in movie theaters unless prompted by a bouncing ball or in case of actual fire.

The most common FreeSpeech™ user errors stem from unfamiliarity with truly free speech. While other national operating systems permit administrator level users to say whatever they want, Democracy® allows anyone to participate.

Let’s move on.

When your FreeSpeech™ account is challenged, you may be tempted to answer in the way your previous system administrator did: with a bullet in the head. This violates the terms of the user agreement you signed by choosing to install and operate FreeSpeech™, and will most likely trigger your system to automatically uninstall Democracy®.

2) FreeWorship™

Democracy® will work on any belief system, even Linux. Using FreeSpeech™, you can create FreeWorship™ files anywhere you please … so long as the user does not attempt to install their particular religion as an operating system of government. Again, this violates the user agreement terms, resulting in uninstallation of Democracy®.

3) FreePress™

Democracy® does come with an anti-virus system called FreePress™. Please uninstall any anti-virus software from previous operating systems, like Secret Police; Sedition Law; or Trust Me, I’m Wealthy. Running previously installed anti-virus applications in a Democracy operating system can hinder FreePress functions and violates the user agreement terms.

4) FreeAssemble™

Democracy® allows users to form user groups at will using FreeAssemble™. Any user may choose to affiliate with any other users they wish. Excluding users on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, and national origin by the national or local operating systems will violate the user agreement terms, resulting in uninstallation of Democracy®. Excluding users at a non-operating system level doesn’t violate the user agreement terms, but does make you look like an asshole.


Another user used FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™ to produce a video calling my prophet a pedophile.

Did you try ignoring the other user? Or, responding with FreeSpeech™, challenging them to defend their position?

A cartoonist has used FreeSpeech™ and FreePress™ to ridicule alleged corruption in the national operating system.

Did you try ignoring the other user? Or, responding with FreeSpeech™, challenging them to defend their position?

A user has used FreeSpeech and FreePress™ to call my running mate and me liars.

Did you try using FreeSpeech™ in an honest, forthright manner?

A user has used FreeWorship and FreeAssemble to build a house of worship that I disagree with near my home.

Did you try using FreeSpeech™ to welcome the other user to the neighborhood? Or, ignoring them?

My copy of Democracy® has unexpectedly uninstalled.

Did you recently install a new leader? Try turning your national operating system off and back on again.

Welcome to the Democratic world! Please use your FreeDoms® responsibly, and enjoy your stay!

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