Fashion Tips for the Age-Enhanced

In some hidden part of our Id, we all want to look good.  Even those whose couture usually consists of whatever they can find on the floor are secretly hoping they don’t look as bad as they do.  This doesn’t stop as we age.

I would now like to share the fruits of my observation of the senior set.  This is important to me, because I am one of those “aging Baby Boomers” about to step over the threshold of those eligible for Social Security.  So read carefully, in case I know what I am talking about.

Okay, here we go.  Ladies, we all want to look as young and desirable as possible, no matter how decrepit we are.  So we dye our hair.  Here are some useful tips for covering the gray or white without ending up looking like a dried apple with hair.  This is aimed primarily at Caucasian women, since we are the biggest morons when it comes to choosing hair colors.

Either just let your hair go gray or choose a soft color, like medium brown or soft auburn.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, avoid the following:

• BLACK: I don’t care if it was your natural color before you turned gray.  Wear it now and you’ll look like a mummy with a wig.
• BRIGHT, FLAMING RED: Don’t do it.  Just don’t.  You’ll look like a rag doll with wrinkles.
• PLATINUM BLONDE: It won’t make you look younger; it’ll just make you look like an over-aged hooker.

As for hairstyles, there is one primary rule:

Whatever you were wearing when you were a teenager doesn’t look good on you anymore. This includes the 1960s bouffant look.  For some reason, a lot of older women aren’t happy unless their hair is puffed out and sprayed so hard it wouldn’t move in a hurricane.  The only thing this is good for is covering bald spots.  That hairdo just shouts “old lady.”  The same goes for the pincurl look, which by now is the province of the over-seventy set.  Whatever floats your boat, of course … just be aware that you’ll be dating yourself big time.

And Guys, long hair is sexy, but the uncombed look only looked sexy when you were 20 years old, and even that is seriously in question. As an old guy, you need to keep long hair neat, clean and trimmed, even if you usually wear it in a pony tail.

Also, Guys, we know when you are wearing a toupee and we definitely recognize a combover. You’re better off just letting that bald spot be seen in all its glory.  We know that you have a bald spot.  You might as well just let us see it and get it over with.

There is a corresponding secondary rule:

Whatever today’s teenagers are doing to their heads looks funny as hell on someone over sixty. Enough said.

Now for clothing — Ladies, it’s great to be comfortable, but you can be comfortable and coordinate your colors at the same time, if you plan to be any place where people will see you.  This includes cardigan sweaters, printed blouses, and other items of old lady attire.  If you can get your shoes to match as well, even better.

Nobody will fault you for wearing floral printed maxi skirts or straight legged polyester pants with elastic waists.  They are a good way to hide some of those varicose veins, and they are affordable.  Hopefully, you have read the preceding paragraph and are prepared to wear color-coordinated blouses, jackets and sweaters.

You probably can’t help the fact that you have to wear ugly, comfortable orthopedic shoes on those well-worn feet.  Just don’t wear a pair of green shoes with a black outfit, okay?

Guys, we realize that some of you shrink with age.  It happens to the women, too.  It is also understandable that you don’t want to go out and buy a new pair of pants when you have an old pair that is still perfectly good.  But come on, Guys.  That old pair now has to be belted up at your chest just so it won’t spill out over your feet.  Please, break down and buy some new pants that fit, okay?  You’ll feel better about yourself.

Well, that about sums up my fashion tips for the older generations.  I hope they have been helpful.