French Coffee Cake Can Kill | HumorOutcasts

French Coffee Cake Can Kill

February 9, 2012

I missed my gym day.  I had to take care of a few things early in the morning, so instead of running on the treadmill, I ran to Costco. Also sacrificed for the mandatory errands was breakfast,which on any other day would not have bothered me, but Costco was baking French coffee cake  and my resistance was low.  The thing about French coffee cake is that it does not just sit there looking innocent; it beckons. I am not kidding; I heard it call to me in a loud voice which incidentally had a French accent, “Donna, mon cheri, come here. I am warm and delicious. Isn’t it time you gave me a try?”

How could I just walk away? So, I took the cake home and indulged in a piece – okay, half the cake, but remember, I didn’t have breakfast.  As I was scarfing down the last bite of my cake, I couldn’t help feel guilty that I had not worked out that morning, and I decided that a little exercise might be a good thing  because as we all know from the various exercise equipment  infomercials on TV, a woman over 40, might as well fill her closet with maternity clothes because unless she exercises two hours per day, she has no prayer of losing weight– let alone maintaining weight, and maternity clothes will be the only clothes that will eventually fit. According to the fitness experts, this is how the universe works. I would like to see the fitness experts put on a rocket ship and transported to some far away planet where skinny humans are considered appetizers for their corpulent leaders.  Anyway, in lieu of the gym and now feeling guilt to exercise, I turned on the TV and switched to the  On Demand channel and selected one of the exercise programs, “Dancing for Cardio and Fat Burning”.

“Hmm,”  I thought. “I like to dance. I will try this out.”

The first part of the routine demonstrated by the female health guru and the three dancers who stood behind her as support in the TV show  seemed harmless enough: a little marching in place, a little sliding side to side – not bad at all.  Then the exercise leader screamed for me to raise my hands above my head, clap and swing down my arms as the bottom half of my body went into a lunge.  “Okay,” I thought, “a little more complicated but I can manage.”

I pushed my coffee table to the back of the room so I had the space to do the dance moves. Just as I got back to the TV, the tempo of the music changed and the guru and her guruettes started jumping around as if they were on a trampoline.  I was confused. They called it building attitude; I called it an accident waiting to happen. But I kept going: march, slide, clap, spin, lunge, clap again, lunge to the other side, slide and march.  Then the tempo picked up again!  I got to the second round of lunges and spins and my one foot tripped up my other foot and down I went. Luckily one of my ankles broke my fall.  After an ice pack, three Advils and me screeching out a lot of the “F” word, my ankle seemed to throb a bit less.

To think I almost died or at least broke an ankle all because I missed my workout routine and succumbed to the temptation of  French coffee cake from Costco. I am not sure what is the best action here: Should I should sue cable TV or Costco for my injury or should I be more bold and attack France for being so reckless with their baked goods?


Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook - Google Plus

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , , , ,

8 Responses to French Coffee Cake Can Kill

  1. February 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    The Cardinal rule is to NOT go shopping on an empty stomach! I’m surprised you didn’t have any Thin Mints to eat before going to Costco (or fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies like I had this morning 🙂 )!

    • February 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm

      I would have had the thin mints, Mike, but I still owe Julie Wimmer $10 for my cookies. Just mailed it today, so the cookies came too late.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    February 10, 2012 at 10:55 am

    HAHAHAHA! I must give you props for trying! When I get the urge to exercise I go lay down till the urge goes away! Then I have a piece of coffee cake.

    • February 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

      I did try Deb. I think I get extra points for that. I should get to burn an extra 2000 calories for trying.

  3. Dionne
    February 9, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    Damn that French coffee cake! I could just picture you hopping about all over the place lol. Those skinny women aren’t real, they’re bots invented by companies who sell diet products 😉

    • February 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      These are the days I am grateful I don’t have a video security system in my house. Oh, wait, unless anyone reading this is a burglar then I do have a video security system in my house!

  4. Kathy Minicozzi
    February 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    ROFL! That’s why I don’t exercise. That, and I’m too lazy.

    • February 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm

      And I think Costco or France is mad at me because I lost internet for about an hour. LOL Thanks Kathy!

User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
Lite Whines and Laughter: Mild Rants and Musings on the Mundane
By Lee Gaitan and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
It Comes From Within: Living with Bipolar Illness
By Michael Solomon. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle