Great American statesmen world-renowned for their brilliance, Texas Governor Rick Perry and Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, proposed arming school officials and teachers in order to prepare for the next potential school shooting. The very people who have been systematically derided and defunded and cannot be trusted not to teach the devil’s science, evolution, are now to be called upon to take down armed intruders on the fly.
In addition, schools will be equipped with swinging western doors so that newly-armed Mrs. McGillicuddy can pop in or out of a room in an instant and blow away an armed psychopath or whoever else might be on the other side before he or she injures any children. And in order to guarantee a quick response, guns will be located on the wall in every classroom for easy access. They will, however, be encased in glass with a sign that says “Teachers Only”. That way it will be impossible for the guns to cause any accidental harm to innocent children who might be curious.
But since teachers might not always be available, there will also be a provision which will allow students over 5 years old whose parents own a gun or who have scored at least 10000 points on Call of Duty – Modern Warfare 3 to be granted a key to the glass case as well. Because what kind of an outlaw would dare go up against an opponent who has trained 5 hours a day for the last several years?
These measures will make it all but certain that anyone thinking of attacking a school will be dealt with swiftly and harshly, likely along with anyone in a 15 foot radius of them.