The clock screamed 6:15 a.m. as I tried to decide if I should use the pillow to cover my ears to drown out the sound I’d dealt with all night, or use it to permanently eliminate the source of the sound. Chief Money Maker is thrilled—and coincidentally still alive—because I chose the first option. Yet, the future of our marriage hangs by a delicate thread that could be sucked easily down his windpipe on his next snoring intake, along with the popcorn ceiling that I’ve wanted to scrape anyway.
I did a little research on how this snoring issue could affect our relationship. The prognosis is grim. First, we’ll each be sleep-deprived leading to annoyed, resentful behavior such as mixing a double dose of 5 Hour Energy drink into the snorer’s dinner gravy.
Then when the 10:00 p.m. news is over, you stretch with a yawn and announce you’re heading to bed. The snorer claims to be wide awake “for some strange reason.” You sympathetically sympathize then suggest they make quality use of the time by cleaning out the refrigerator. Not that I’ve done this.
If left unresolved, we’ll be resigned to sleeping in separate rooms resulting in a loss of intimacy and the inability to recognize each other when passing in the halls. Then again, I don’t recognize half the people I pass in the halls of my home. The snorer, once banished to the basement/attic to sleep, will huddle in a corner feeling rejected over a problem he can’t control. Soon he’ll stop showering, start calling off work, and spend hours watching a future stripper snap her fingers, bob her head and say “A dollah makes me hollah”—otherwise known as “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” a TLC reality series.
If we don’t tackle this problem now, eventually we’ll become totally homicidal. That wouldn’t be so bad as long as we could focus those homicidal tendencies on the first crumb snatcher that asks for money, but there is a chance we could actually turn on each other. We don’t even have a will yet because we can’t agree on how to spread the debt among the crumb snatchers when we croak.
With the dark forecast for our marriage, I decided to take some steps to solve this issue. It was suggested that the snorer tie a tennis ball to his back to encourage sleeping on his side. The genius that suggested this obviously didn’t have a Jack Russell Terrier. Although, the hour of exercise Chief logged while he was chased by Jumper the Dog did wear him out and he didn’t snore as loud. It was also recommended that the snorer refrain from alcohol consumption prior to bed. I, on the other hand, can imbibe all I wish. Somebody pass the Franzia Blush, please?
No one said marriage was easy. No one was right and obviously lives with a spouse that snores. Yet, in all my research there seemed one obvious solution that was never mentioned. OSHA approved ear plugs. Love may be blind, but trust me, it ain’t deaf.