How the Mayans Screwed up Our 2012 Calendar Marking the End of Time

Because so many people were prepared for Y2K, but nothing happened, we were all a bit skeptical about all the other doomsayers who pinpointed the end of times to be this day or that day (all of which passed without catastrophic end-of-world doom).

We were also disappointed about getting stuck with generators we didn’t really need, caseloads of water bottles that took up valuable space, and enough blankets to carpet our homes.

Despite our disillusion, we now await with anticipation another end of times – December 21, 2012 – less than one year away. Everybody wants to be right. Whole groups of religious fanatics build underground safe houses in anticipation of our final days. Some act as if they are looking forward to the last day.

Frankly, I’m kind of looking forward to it too. I’m tired of all the endless financial struggle of paying my bills and hoping for a better tomorrow. I can’t wait for December 20th, because on that day, all the bills I owe will dive into the black hole that belongs to the past – to everything prior to December 21, 2012.

When I wake up on the morning of December 22nd, I won’t care about anything, because, like everybody else on the planet who didn’t build underground safety houses, I will be dead.

The way I see it, it’s time to party like it’s 1999. Remember that song by Prince? Yeah, the world was supposed to end in 2000. Oh, predictions, predictions – does anybody REALLY know when the world will end?

Here’s what I think happened. The Mayans gave the calendar making job to some slacker who said, “Who cares about 2012?” He pretended to hack away at his calendar stone (probably creating masterful pieces of artwork that nobody noticed), and while everybody thought he was doing his job, he chiseled everything but the calendar.

Because of Mr. Mayan Calendar Maker, the Mayan’s invented supervisors – too late for the 2012 calendar (too bad for us), but when it came time for the Mayans to pass along the calendar making job to the next calendar maker, the new Calendar Maker Man turned out to be another artist who sketched masterpieces on cave walls. Well, that’s my theory anyway.

But just in case the world actually ends this time, I am inviting my entire family and all of my friends to my home on the 21st to celebrate the Christmas holiday (oops, was I just being politically incorrect? I’m not going to apologize).

Hey! Wait a second – wasn’t Jesus supposed to make his second appearance (first appearance for the Jews) BEFORE the end of the world? What’s up with that? Is he going to suddenly appear on December 20th with a, “Time to go home now!” exclamation as we all rise to Heaven?

During my Last Supper (am I being sacrilegious?) with family and friends, we will light a fire (mental note to self: get wood), and watch the hours tick away until midnight. After midnight, my spirit and those of my loved ones will stare at piles of ashes that once belonged to my loved ones and me, and ask each other, “Who’s going to clean up that mess?”

And another family member will chime in with, “Who cares? We’re all dead!”

At that time, we will discuss where we will vacation. I’m putting in my vote for a cruise. I’d also like to visit every island on the planet.

Hmm, will there BE a planet? (great – now I’m channeling Chandler from Friends). I’ve heard Heaven is much more beautiful than even the most beautiful places on Earth (how anybody knows that for sure remains a mystery to me). We’ll have to make an itinerary. In infinity we’ll have nothing but time.

Or will we? Hmm (squints eyes) I’ve heard that time doesn’t exist in eternity. Really? How would anybody would know that for sure? Will I care when I’m dead?

Unless – unless we’ve done this before. Yeah. Think about it. Maybe we have all gone through this in a previous existence. Maybe we are reliving the lives we lived thousands of years ago. Maybe, like the seasons, we live again and again, coming back, not as somebody else, like other people believe – but as ourselves with no knowledge whatsoever about our past existences? If we didn’t learn from our mistakes in our last existence, maybe we have to keep learning until we get it. Talk about Hell!

(Did I talk about Hell? No, I left that out. Probably because I don’t plan on visiting it and I don’t care to discuss it. No, I’m not in denial.)

Whatever. What I will NOT do prior to December 20th is purchase a lot of luxury items I can’t afford – just in case my Mayan theory is true and we survive this next predicted cataclysm.

Does anybody know when that will be, by the way? I like to keep up on these things.


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One thought on “How the Mayans Screwed up Our 2012 Calendar Marking the End of Time”

  1. I plan to raid the liquor stores, hunker down and pray for daylight! Wait a minute . . . that’s what I do that every weekend.

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