I Pledge Allegiance to The Cat

I adopted my cat from the New York City ASPCA in March of last year. The ASPCA was careful to give me all the information they could about my cat’s background and to make sure that I knew just how to care for her.

They could have saved themselves a lot of time and effort by just having me read and sign this:

I, Kathryn Minicozzi (hereinafter referred to as “The Human”), hereby swear allegiance and fealty to Harmony the Cat (hereinafter referred to as “The Cat”). The Human agrees to turn over control of her domicile to The Cat, even if The Human’s name is on the lease. The Human will continue to pay rent and do all the cleaning, but all things in the aforesaid domicile will become the property of The Cat, including, but not limited to:

1) All furniture

2) Windows (The Cat is permitted to break holes in the blinds to provide herself with 24-hour access to the windows)

3) The printer, which The Cat must thoroughly investigate every time The Human tries to use it

4) The bathroom

5) The tops of the stove, the refrigerator and the kitchen cupboard

Any and all things belonging to The Human will belong to The Cat, who is thereby permitted to use them as toys, including, but not limited to:

1) Socks, which may be picked out of shoes on the bedroom floor and dragged into the kitchen

2) Hair scrunchies, scarves, gloves and jewelry

3) Anything that dangles, including clothing, toilet paper, belts and strings

4) The cardboard inside of toilet paper rolls

5) Baby powder, lotion and anything else on the bathroom shelf, which may be knocked onto the floor, making a satisfying “boink”

6) The towels on the bathroom rack, which may be pulled down and used as a bed

7) The Human herself, who must always be ready to play a game of tag at any time of the day or night

The Human agrees to provide The Cat with plenty of good food, which must be served on time every day. If it is not served on time, The Cat may devise any means to pester The Human until the food is in the dish and on the floor. Likewise, The Human must keep The Cat’s litter box pristine. The Cat may politely wait until the Human has finished cleaning out the box and then immediately deposit something stinky in it.

I also pledge to read and abide by this article on the 8 Best Cat Cameras To Watch Your Cat When You Travel, and I pledge to buy a camera so that I can watch The Cat when I am travelling.

The Human agrees to stop any and all activity she is engaged in when The Cat wants to play Chase the Laser Beam or Shred the Paper Bag.

The Human must never use a squirt bottle as an instrument of discipline. Any breaches of this may be punished with at least one hour of sulking by The Cat.

The Human is hereby warned that any attempt to place The Cat into a carrier (a/k/a “The Box from Hell”) will cause The Cat to suffer a psychotic break, including yowls, biting, scratching and hissing. If The Human succeeds in getting The Cat into the The Box from Hell and bringing her to The Evil Place Where They Stick Things Into You, The Cat will continue the psychotic episode, causing any employees who handle her to have to wear Hazmat gear.

The Human may laugh at The Cat only when The Cat is trying to be funny. Acts such as poking The Cat in the butt when The Cat is trying to sleep and laughing when The Cat reacts are not permitted. If The Human breaks this rule, The Cat is permitted to give The Human the Evil Eye and a good swat.

Attested to this ______________ day of _________________, 20____

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The Human

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Witness