If I Could Pick My Jury…

If I were accused of any type of crime, I would want to be ultra involved in the jury selection process.  I say this because I see how people truly are now. No one wants a fair trial system. As a society, we want a firing squad first and questions asked later.  If it turns out we were wrong, we can always send flowers and an “I’m sorry” note because even though we killed someone innocent, we know our hearts were in the right place.

I know some of you people doubt my observations of the state of jurisprudence, but my counter argument to you is this: I have been online. I have seen the comments written on news sites, and the comments don’t sound like a ringing endorsement for “innocent until proven guilty”.  So, if I ever go on trial, I want to pick out who is going to decide my fate.

No one who goes to FoxNews.com for all their news can be on my jury. There is no way I would be getting a “fair and balanced” trial from anyone here.  I guess in fairness to Fox, I should expand that juror requirement to include anyone who reads and comments on any online news  outlet.  And to be honest, I couldn’t sit on my own jury as I have been known to toss a comment or two out to rile up the masses. But at least I know I am being an instigator. It’s those who comment seriously that scare the crap out of me. I can truly peg a person’s level of insanity by how many words in their comments are misspelled. One to three words – commenting person is mildly upset; four to eight words – it might be best to move on to the garden articles and comment politely there;10 to 12 words – go to account settings and make sure email is not published ANYWHERE as the ranting lunatics will find you.

No one over 75 with a driver’s license in the state of Pennsylvania can sit on my jury.  Why?  Because  I do believe the chances are good that I have flipped the bird to every senior citizen between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh and that includes the toughest in-between regions of the state known as Pennsyltucky. Old people may be cute, but they just don’t forgive that easily.

No one who works at the public library and Post Office can sit on my jury. I have never returned a book without paying a late fine.  I think my book tardiness could only damage my reputation as a defendant with the library people. They feel underappreciated as it is since the internet and Amazon have taken over the world.  As for the Post Office, my somewhat frequent digs at their lack of customer service might encourage them to retaliate.  I fear that no matter what zip code my trial was in, Post Office people would trudge through rain, snow, sleet and hail just to make sure I got the maximum punishment.

Any church leader who cannot take a joke about sex, birth control and the Republican Party cannot sit on my jury. Frankly, I don’t think I need to expound on this because while I might not be guilty of a crime, I am guilty of making fun of all the church leaders. However, I think I am entitled to do so since I am an ordained minister from some church on the internet.  Yes, this is true.  And maybe instead of wanting lightning to strike me down, my fellow ministers could believe in me and not be so rash doling out the punishments of death and eternal damnation.

Anyone who lives in a trailer park cannot sit on my jury. Yes, I pretty much have burnt bridges with anyone who lives in any house that is attached to wheels or has bathroom waste tanks that need to be emptied on a daily basis. Why? Because it is these people who usually misspell 10 to 12 words in their online comments and end those comments with words like “If I was on your jury, I’d have you hanged.”   I sort of take them at their word.