1. When you are out walking your dog at night, try not to squash any rats with your foot. It will feel really slimy and squishy, you will splatter rat innards on the sidewalk, it will freak the dog out, the rat won’t like it and neither will his mother. She will gather a contingent of ninja rats, who will lie in wait for you to take the kind of revenge that it is best not to know about ahead of time.1
2. On days when you feel like a squashed rat and you are sure that life can’t get any worse, just remember: you are a lot bigger than a rat and any person who tries to squash you with a foot is going to look pretty silly.
3. If your dog has to pee at 2:00 AM, get up and take him outside, even if you know the ninja rats are out there. If you don’t, the dog will get mad and pee on your couch to teach you a lesson.
4. Nothing is as awful as it seems, until you find out that it is even worse than you thought. In that case, you’re screwed anyway, so to hell with it. Have a couple of shots of vodka and try to figure out how to get out of whatever bleeping mess you got yourself into this time.
5. The grass is always greener on the other side of the park where there is no place to sit because a lot of other people got there before you did and they have no plans to move anytime soon.
1Inspiration: The Gothamist: http://gothamist.com/2012/08/29/as_promised_rat_crossing_signs_go_u.php