1. Never move into an apartment that is too small to fit your furniture, unless you hate your furniture and are looking for a reason to throw it out that won’t make you feel guilty for throwing out stuff that is still good, even if it is hideous stuff your mother-in-law picked out.
2. When writing a list of household hints, try to avoid run-on sentences.
3. If your vacuum cleaner won’t pick it up the first time you run something over, keep trying. After the twentieth try, pick up the piece of (lint/dust bunny/cat hair/fallen wall plaster/etc.), hold it in the air being sucked into the machine and MAKE the vacuum cleaner take it. It will continue to act up if you don’t teach it who is boss.
4. You can’t fit a sunken marble hot tub into a bathroom the size of a closet, so stop dreaming. If you could afford a sunken marble hot tub, you would not be living in an apartment with a bathroom the size of a closet.
5. If you don’t clean the cat’s litter box for five days, you have only yourself to blame if Kitty decides to use the rug. Even cats can only hold it in for so long. After that, it’s every cat for himself.
6. Likewise, if you don’t take the dog out when he is signaling that he has to go really bad, you are going to have a mess to clean off something or other and it will be all your fault.
7. Are you the type who would rather jump into the Grand Canyon than clean house? Here are some solutions:
Hire someone else to do it. Warning: This is not an option for cheap bitches or poor people.
Guilt one of your friends or relatives into doing it for you. This is easy if you are Catholic or Jewish, because we have pre-installed guilt in our brain cells. Methodists, Episcopalians and Hindus might find it a lot harder.
Watch every commercial on TV that says you can get a $75 product for just $19.99 plus shipping. Buy every labor-saving cleaning device that looks promising. If it doesn’t work, give it to someone you hate as a wedding present.
Get your butt in gear, grab the cleaning stuff, hold your nose and clean the damned place. Then you won’t have to do it again for another six months.
8. Speaking of cleaning, a little bit of ammonia goes a long way – a REALLY long way. If you don’t believe me, just try pouring some into that bucket of water over there and see what . hello? Hello? SOMEONE CALL 911!