Recently, Kirk Cameron said he thinks homosexuality is unnatural. I have to admit this came as quite a surprise. Despite appearances to the contrary, I honestly thought all of the Seaver kids—and not just Carol—were fond of boys. Why else would you hang out with guys named Boner and Stinky? As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t even surprise me if that cute homeless kid they adopted when the show jumped the shark listened to show tunes once the supermodels were tucked in for the night.
I don’t understand why certain religions have a problem with homosexuality. Especially the Catholic Church. Call me crazy but I’d rather have homosexuals in my church’s congregation than priests who are preying on children. Welcoming homosexuals into the congregation would also come in handy during the holidays. Every Christmas, local parishes always ask for volunteers to help decorate the church and, really, who decorates better than gay people? After all, these are people who literally don their gay apparel.
I find the Catholic Church’s stance on homosexuality a bit hypocritical. They certainly don’t seem to mind that nice painting on the ceiling of their fancy chapel in Italy that was done by a gay dude. If they disagree with homosexuality, why not take it down and replace it with something else? Maybe one of those pictures where you stare it at all day until you see a sailboat. Or a llama. Or maybe Jesus in a sailboat fishing with a llama. Tourist would love that. I mean, c’mon, that’s a pretty good day for everybody.
Maybe I have a habit of simplifying things but I don’t see why some people get so worked up when it comes to the issue of homosexuality. Especially gay marriage. Just like when millions of heterosexuals get married and it doesn’t affect your life, the same would be true if gays got married. It’s not like the people who are against it would even know when it occurred. “What’s the matter, dear?” “I feel a disturbance in the marriage force. A gay couple just got married.” I say if gay people want to get married let them. They have the right to be as miserable as everyone else.
While I understand the gay marriage battle transcends beyond marriage and is a civil rights issue, I have to admit that as a heterosexual married man, I am a bit jealous. Let’s face it, marriage being illegal is every straight guy’s wet dream. “Of course, I want to marry you, baby! I want to marry you more than I want a Porsche. Or a big screen 3-D HDTV. And I mean the one with the really comfortable glasses, not the one with the cheap plastic glasses that break all the time. Hell, I want to marry you more than I want the Phillies to win the World Series again. But what can I do, baby? It’s illegal. My hands are tied here.”
One of the things that has always boggled my mind is when someone likes something until they discover it’s done by a homosexual and then they cease to enjoy it. Remember when Rosie O’Donnell came out of the closet? A lot of people who subscribed to her magazine cancelled their subscription the next day. They do realize she was gay yesterday when they still liked her magazine, right? Besides, if Rosie outing herself was a big surprise then they should forget their issues with homosexuality and be more concerned with the fact that they’re dumb as a fucking brick. Being surprised Rosie is a lesbian is like being surprised that setting yourself on fire will burn.
Now don’t get me wrong. This is America. We’re all entitled to our opinions and beliefs. We all have the right to agree to disagree. I just don’t understand why you have to inflict your opinions on the world. It’s like me and veal. I hate veal. It’s dry and has no taste. I tried my best to keep an open mind about it. I put ketchup on it and it still had no taste. I drowned it in even more ketchup but then that’s all I tasted. I might as well have just put a straw in the ketchup bottle. I tried veal parmesan and despite the cheese and sauce (actually gravy if you’re Italian like me but that’s an argument for another day) that didn’t help either. I still didn’t like it.
But am I on a crusade to outlaw veal? Am I spending millions of dollars to pass Prop Ate? No, I’m not. Because I know there are plenty of people out there who do like veal. Who am I to deprive them of that? Just like gay marriage, them liking veal has no bearing on my own life. Besides, I have better things to do with my time. Did you know Friends is not only syndicated locally and on TBS but it’s also on Nick at Nite now? I don’t have time to rid the world of veal when my favorite show is on over six hours a day.
I humbly submit that perhaps people can take a page from my philosophy. If there’s something out there you disagree with that other people enjoy and it isn’t hurting you or anyone else, then do what I do when it comes to veal.
Just don’t eat it.