I spend a good amount of time making fun of the Huffington Post, but someone has to do it, so it might as well be me. The article that annoyed me this time was in the Post 50 section which I guess is where the senior crowd goes for their news. Anyway, this was the headline: 5 Foods You Should Never Eat Again (And What To Eat Instead) and of course, the five foods were foods that all taste good.
My first problem with the article is not even the article. It is with the Huffington Post, which like other publications, believes that once readers hit 50, they are ready for senior articles. Is it me or has the line between senior citizen and middle age disappeared? And while those in their late 30s might be laughing at my age sensitivity – beware. Alex Trebek hawks guaranteed life insurance coverage for those between the ages of 40 and 80. So, in the insurance world’s mind, once you hit 40 you have scaled that hill and are heading down the other side. Soon, I predict that AARP cards will be given out at 21st birthday parties. Here’s your legal celebration: You get a shot of tequila and a lecture on Medicare and discount life insurance all in one night.
My second concern with this article: Do only people over 50 need to adhere to these stupid NEVER diet rules or do they apply to people of all ages? Not that it matters to me because I am NEVER following the advice of anyone who says NEVER. But, these five forbidden foods are quite tasty, and I don’t think for the sake of a few more years on this planet, I should have to abandon them totally. For example, I like French Fries and I don’t think I should have to convert to baked sweet potato fries just to eke out a few more years of living. What if the Mayan thing turns out to be true? What if I give up fries entirely only to realize on December 21st, that the world is ending, and I denied my taste buds for nothing? If I gave up French Fries and the apocalypse occurred, I would hunt down this Nazi health expert interviewed by the Huffington Post in the afterlife and shove fried potatoes down his throat along with the other no-no’s of the diet: white bread, white rice, and my absolute favorite…sugar.
Now, we get to my biggest beef with this article. NEVER HAVE SUGAR AGAIN? Just kill me now. My entire existence revolves around when I can have dessert during the day. I plan out every meal so that I can have a cupcake or ice cream or a can of frosting or a brownie or a Girl Scout cookie or pastry…well, you get the idea. There is no way in Hell that I am giving up sugar for anything. I remember in grammar school, the nuns wanted me to give up sugar and treats for Lent. Not even Christ on the Cross was making that happen. I would rather have given up my baby brother than cookies and milk after school, and quite frankly, I am still willing to hand him over if it means I get my cookie breaks.
The most humorous aspect of this health expert’s NEVER have sugar idea is the substitution he offers me for NEVER eating sugar again. Instead of my favorite sweet treats, I can have fruit. Really? A freaking apple is going to take the place of a hot, melting Toll House cookie? I don’t think so. So this is my plan: I say we do say NEVER to some things and my first NEVER is to NEVER pay attention to the crazy health expert who consulted with the Huffington Post for this article. It’s time to stand up for our food vices and let the world know, we are willing to decrease our intake but not willing to eliminate them completely — at least I’m not –until I hit menopause anyway. I cannot see how any good can come from depriving an estrogen-challenged woman a few sweet treats to calm her day.