Open Letter to the Makers of Elf on the Shelf

Photo Credit: Creative Commons - D'Other_Pix

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for creating the Elf on the Shelf franchise of books, cookies, plush dolls, DVDs…etc. which enable parents such as my wife and me the privilege of paying $29.95 to deceive our children.

The Story of the Elf

As you well know, your fabricated story of the Elf asserts that he/she appears in the child’s home between Thanksgiving and Christmas as a behavioral scout for Saint Nick, to keep an eagle eye on the children for the “naughty and nice” list.

The Elf is supposed to change surveillance perches within the home on a daily basis to facilitate the rouse over impressible children, coupled with the admonition that the kids can NEVER touch the Elf – or the Elf will never return.

This snowflake-thin scenario is tough enough to purport on the blossoming minds of our kids without your brazen marketing efforts to the contrary.

Which brings me to the purpose of this letter.

Tougher to Lie to My Kids

While companies have a right to make a profit, your organization is directly undermining the very foundation of the hard-fought lies that loving parents like us strive and connive to maintain.

For instance, shortly after the “arrival” of our Elf (whom our girls affectionately named “Buddy”) we were shopping with the kids at a local Target store when we were stunned to see a massive end cap display with hundreds of “Buddy” the Elf look-a-likes.

Questions, Questions…I Want Answers!!!

Needless to say our girls were confused about the en masse identical array of their newly beloved “Buddy” in shrink-wrapped packaging. This dissonance sparked a blizzard of questions from them:

  • How can they breath in the plastic wrap, won’t they all suffocate?
  • Why do they all look EXACTLY like “Buddy”?
  • How can someone BUY an elf?
  • Are these just dolls that somebody made?
  • Does Santa know about this elfin chicanery?
  • Does Santa get an illegal kickback from the apparent copyright infringement of this elf’s likeness?
  • Do you think his elves are unionized and does Santa offer them profit sharing?
Our Lies Are Stickier Than a Slobbered Candy Cane

The wife and I quickly cobbled together a “lie on the fly,” attesting to the fact that Santa runs a 501(c)3 non-profit which doesn’t offer robust benefits to his volunteer employees.

We compounded this fib by boldly stating that it’s a well-know fact that “Buddy” happened to be the Justin Bieber of the North Pole Elf Corp which explains why there were so many cheap knock-offs to capitalize on his popularity.

Kim Jung Il to the Rescue

Which was further compounded by our assertion that the huge quantities of “Buddy” knock-offs can only be attributed to the godless work of  Communist-ex-dictator of North Korea, Kim Jung Il who is obviously exploiting our low tariff market in an attempt to flood our economy with these fake elf dolls, undermining the American way of life and seeking to cause Christmas chaos among kids.

Needless to say the wife and I experienced mutual “shock and awe” at the ease of our deceptive depravity that we directed toward the little people in the world we love the most.

Why Do You Do It?

This is just one example of your marketing malfeasance. Another is your subversive attempts at print advertising.

Specifically, the newspaper circulars that you choose to advertise in further erode the credibility of the Elf  – forcing us to lie once again to our kids and attribute the Elf’s appearance in newsprint as nothing other than rampant paparazzi gone amok.

Apparently You Need Remedial Conspiracy Management

However, the last straw occurred with your decision to prominently include a giant four-story, helium version of the Elf on the Shelf balloon a few weeks ago in the 2012 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade [see photo insert].

A giant inflatable Elf? Really? Are you kidding?!?

I fully understand the idea of profit maximization and seizing seasonal revenue, but come on.

Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to develop new and convincing deceptions to assuage the honest questions from our beloved children, not to mention the irreparable damage we’re causing our kids by piling on lies upon lies upon lies?

This pathological pattern of lying makes me feel like the fictional character Walter White in the critically acclaimed series Breaking Bad.

Don’t you people know how to execute a bona fide conspiracy?

It makes me long for the good old days of Masonic secrecy, the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderburg Group.

When did seasonal corporate greed supplant clandestine global domination as the conspiracy du jour?

Regardless, please take better heed at designing your future marketing campaigns so we can dial back the duping of our kids.

Possibly, consider taking a page from the adult entertainment industry and cordon off some seedy section of your top revenue-generating markets to establish a red-light “Parents Only” district where loving moms and dads can acquire your beguiling, flimflammery Elf on the Shelf paraphernalia with a clear conscience!

At the very least, could you email us some talking points showcasing the very best lies you have available in support of the Elf on the Shelf blarney?

Kind Regards,

A Loving and Concerned Parent

Question: Have you ever lied to your kids or grand kids about a holiday tradition?

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10 thoughts on “Open Letter to the Makers of Elf on the Shelf”

  1. Lies parents tell kids:

    You’ll go blind if you do that!

    If you keep crossing your eyes, they’ll get stuck that way.

    Santa Claus sends some of his elves to dress up as him and help out. That’s why you see one of him at each department store in town.

    Yes, we colored all those eggs just yesterday, but it was the Easter Bunny who came and hid them. He even brought you this fancy basket with all the candy. No, we didn’t buy it in Walgreens.

  2. Of all the lies parents tell kids, I think it’s funny that we feel guilty over Santa. Where’s the remorse for telling your kids they could be president one day? Or that you and mom were wrestling on the bed, even though you told them not to do it on their cheap IKEA frames? Or that jokes about Polish people are funny, but you’re not a racist?

    Yes, let’s feel bad about the only lie we tell that brings magic into the world.

  3. My son is 13 and bypassed the trauma of the Elf Overlord. I enthusiastically purchased several in 2006 for friends with small kids, knowing that its a daily battle for the parents to pull this trickery off.

    When my son was still pretty young, he pointed out to me that I had fed him many lies over his lifetime, including the “Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and all that Jesus stuff.” (He hadn’t quite lumped Santa into that package yet.) I think he was in 4th grade, and his class had gone over internet safety and truth on the web, etc. So his reasoning on Jesus and the Bible was to the effect that just because it’s written down doesnt make it true. Try getting that kid to church each Sunday.

  4. The whole Santa myth is quite a conundrum for parents. If you try to not buy into it, your children feel “left out”, but when they eventually find out that their parents have been lying to them, it makes them doubt the rest of what you tell them.

      1. Kids are really a lot of fun, if you aren’t their parents. That’s why grandparenting is the best role — anything you “mess up” the parents have to “fix”! You can just be another kid and let the parents be the adults.

    1. I don’t think Santa is buying into anything Mike. I still believe in the sheer magic that he brings. Kids need fantasy and some made up stuff to make life a bit more childlike. They seem to lack that so much nowadays.

      1. I have nothing against fantasy and magic, but I think the Santa fantasy is too big because Christmas has gotten so commercialized. The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy are more manageable-sized fantasies, I think.

  5. I totally agree. How can being such good liars make us such good parents? I can envision how the Target interrogation went. So, so funny Tor! One of your best!

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