Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
POLITICALLY INCORRECT MASCOTS AND NICKNAMES IN VERSE
Up Quincy way in the land of Mass
East Nazarene had a proud team, full of sass
No bones be made ‘bout being invaders
Rompin’ and stompin’, fear the Crusaders.
U.N.D., up in the frozen north
Dakota, yes, with fear brought forth
Blood curdling warriors to me and you
The tribe still permits: The Fighting Sioux.
In South Bend a team persists
To settle differences with its fists
A leprechaun with its dukes held high
O, the Fighting Irish, aye, he be the guy.
Deep in Vicksburg in the Southern Nation
Stands a mustachioed Rebel on his plantation
Ol’ Colonel Reb with his spats and cane
Like to a flood, as welcome as rain.
In Michigan is a town called Watersmeet
So you’d think their mascot be a something sweet
But you’d be wrong, wow, what are the odds
A team proudly known as, what else, Nimrods.
Down in South Carolina, no favorite of PETA
Those fighting roosters, says Tina, a senorita
Are on shirts and hats and pants and socks
You can hear them squawk, the Fighting Cocks.
Slimy yellow mollusk sliding into home
How far did you slither, how far did you roam?
For at UC Santa Cruz, you’re more than just a bug
You’re their mascot, you’re Sammy… the Banana Slug.
The Rhode Island School of Design, known for its fads
No lie, hope to die, hockey team known as the “Nads.”
They’ve a mascot named “Scrotie” in a costume that galls
And, guess what, their basketball team, known as the “Balls.”
Down in Tallahassee on horseback is an Indian with a spear
He’s a Seminole, tribe permitted, causing the crowd to cheer
To a drumbeat and a war hoop, the ‘Noles whip up a chant
Native-named teams countrywide ask “Why can he, when I can’t?”