Programming Mitt Romney


Assembled in Guangdong province by a team of wage slave nanotechnologists and engineers and sent via shipping container from the port of Shenzhen to GOP headquarters, Mitt Romney is keeping his programmers busy! Apparently, everything Mitt does and says was programmed one day late, so his unlucky programmers need to reboot and re-program him at midnight, hoping to God that nothing happens between then and the time he speaks the next day. Inevitably, they neglect to includesomething, and Mittbot says:

“We don’t need to hire more firefighters!” (while the biggest wildfires in our lifetimes are raging) and ”we have plenty of teachers!” (as class sizes reach an average of 37 and we are ranked between the Czech Republic and Cyprus – and below Lithuania – in Math).

It’s the subject of money that really proves Mitt has fiber optic cable coiled in his chest cavity and a head full of fragmented data, as this subject tends to produce the greatest number of script errors, including weirdly smug and wildly inappropriate answers, arcane terminology auto-imported from an irrelevant database, dead-end loops and other rudimentary programming flaws such as:

“I’m also unemployed!” (speaking to unemployed people in Florida, his net worth is over $200 million), and “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs”. And when asked whether he followed NASCAR: “I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners.” And my personal favorite: “I like those fancy raincoats you bought. Really sprung for the big bucks” (to NASCAR fans wearing plastic ponchos at the Daytona 500).

So, it’s back to the programming board! Sleep deprived programmers are hard at work trying to refute what Old Mitt said the day before, and crossing their fingers that another day will go by without a fatal system error. I guess there’s a certain frisson in not knowing whether he is going to literally melt down on national TV with sparks and smoke pouring out of his eye sockets, or else turn in circles regurgitating requests for recipes like the haywire Stepford Wife, or stand before the American people, remove his head and candidly and humbly admit that he is, in fact, a machine.
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6 thoughts on “Programming Mitt Romney”

  1. This is citizens united coming to roost. They bought themselves a candidate and now they are going to buy the election.

    The mittbot runs on money. Insert cash and he’ll do whatever you want.

  2. He IS a machine and a very well-financed one at that! If he were to be elected (perish the thought!), he might have the lowest approval rating of any newly-elected president ever. He doesn’t care if you like him, as long as you don’t vote for his opponent.

  3. His campaign slogan should be, “A vote for me is a vote for me and the rest of the over-privileged.”

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