Hello, I’m David Attenborough. Well, not really it’s me Deb but I thought this story would be better narrated in the voice of Mr. Attenborough. Welcome to my show, “Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical.” Today we will be exploring a very rare and elusive creature, “The Blue Ridge Redneck.” This magnificent beast is found in the western rural region of the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Their native habitat is generally found deep within the woods occupied in single or double wide structures. It’s raised on blocks to allow smaller companion creatures like hounds or felines to live underneath. So not to intrude I’ve constructed this camouflage tree blind to observe their natural routine. There is not much documentation on this elusive creature; however one of the most fascinating facts is their love of pork rinds. I’ve placed a few open bags outside their door in hopes of luring one out to feed. Not much is known about their feeding habits. Let’s see if it works. Wait, I think one is coming out. Oh my, it’s a large specimen, I’d estimate between 250 and 270 pounds! The bib overalls seem to give him more girth. I would approximate his age to be at least 30-35 years old.
As he lumbers over to the bag of pork rinds I photograph the rarely seen ritual of butt-scratching and belly slapping before a meal. Wait, I think I see a female! She’s smaller (not by much) in size however much more agile than the male. She follows him to the bag of pork rinds. Her feeding behavior is slightly different than his as she squats down, empties the rinds onto the ground and then sniffs her food before tasting it. This enrages the male and he lets out a horrendous belch. The female backs off but not before striking him in his head with the back of her hand.
After his consumption of rinds he naps in a large overstuffed pod with cup holder. The female brings him six connected cylinder-shaped vessels containing an effervescent liquid, which he rapidly consumes. This brings on another episode of butt-scratching and belly slapping until he falls fast asleep. As darkness approaches he displays what can only be described as a mating ritual. He makes a gyrating motion with his hips and a noise or more like a grunt. The female watches this then storms off into a separate part of their dwelling laughing like a hyena. This action angers the male so much he retreats back to his pod and watches his small hound-like companion creatures lick their genitalia after which he falls asleep.
Next week we shall explore, “The Male Fascination with the Cheese Doodle.” Thank you for watching “Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical“, this is David Attenborough, I mean Deb, saying goodnight.
If you would like to help support future study of this species, donate at your local Stop-N-Grab convenience store or wherever pork rinds are sold.